BeautiFullyX Broken

2009-03-17T19:42:00.004+08:00

Next week Im starting work already... after more than half a year.. can take it as a long break for me to rest and get back my health... but my health is still not very good yet... I'm still struggling with some problems that still remains a secret, and will always be. Only my Cgl, my Bf and my Pastor knows...

I have mixed emotions about work.. I'm happy cuz I don need to stay alone at home everyday anymore.. and can keep myself busy... which is a good thing... but I'm also quite afraid because it'll be a big change for me...

I have to adapt to many new changes, and change many of my lifestyle habits... meet new people, new environment etc etc... But I guess I have to grow up one day... I believe God will guide me along and give me the wisdom to shine in the marketplace...

Last sat Pastor Zhuang talked to me after svc about some of the struggles I'm facing... Pst has known me since 2005 and has literally seen me 'grow up'.. how I battled my illness and how I went through all my difficult times... I still remember those times he came to my house with Cindy to talk to me, counselled me, gave me bible study at Suntec office etc etc...

Time really flies... Pst Zhuang will always be the person I look up to the most.. To me he is my spiritual father and role model... I'm really touched by his care and concern for me... I respect Pst Kong and Pst Zhuang ALOT ALOT!!

I have 3 Fathers... (1) My Heavenly Father- God, (2) My Earthly Father- My daddy, (3) My Spiritual Fathers- Pst Kong/Pst Zhuang... Their love for God and His people will always inspire and motivate me to be a better person...

I want to do more things for God and His Kingdom... reach out to people.. show them the love of God.. and win more souls for Christ... One thing I know, I will always love God, and I will always love my Church, and I will always run with the Vision of City Harvest Church for the rest of my life... I will never leave my church, or leave God...

Even though there are often times I feel so tired of life, and I feel like giving up, because the pain is too much for me to bear... But God has never given up on me, though I gave up on myself.. When I'm faithless, God is always Faithful.. and He is the one that brought me through my many years of trials and tribulations...

I've gone through so much in the past... I don want to go through even more pain in the future... I believe God will give me my miracle... and My future is in good hands.. because it is in God's hands... Just Like what Pst Kong said, I deserve better. +

2009-03-12T00:34:00.002+08:00

Its been ages since I've last blogged... I guess I was too caught up with some stuff in my life that i had no mood to blog.. I've decided to make a point to blog more often now.. it'll be good if I can look back at my memories here... and also express my feelings, emotions here so that I don't need to keep them all to myself... which is not very healthy I guess.
But of cos... some secrets are meant to be kept.. not all things can be told... sometimes it may just be better to keep it in my heart.. I can only express my feelings here but may not go into detail what happened... so.. even if u think u fully understand me, but the truth is, u'll never be able to know the real me... and I'll always remain a mystery.
Actually I wanted to change my blogskin but everything got messed up.. so I decided to just stick with this skin... Many things happened in my life... but it'll take forever to list them now... lol... let the past be memories in my heart, and mind...
I'll be starting work on 23th March... Thank God that I finally got a job... these past few months have been a difficult period for me... not only I have to struggle daily with my own personal problems, but I still have to worry about getting a job in the midst of the recession... so now, at least one thing is off my mind now...
No one'll fully understand what I am going through... no one knows, not even my family. I guess I've hid from them well... and thats a good thing. I rather go through the pain alone then let other people worry for me too... Well, Suffering in silence hurts, but I got no other choice...
At least I know God sees my every Tear, and hears my cries... Only He knows and understands my pain and hurts, and only He is able to restore my health, my life, my self esteem, my happiness, everything.... I'm still waiting for my Miracle to come...

But Thank God for a friend, who is always there for me when I fall... and also for Wes, who has stood by me all these while, giving me the love and support I need... Love will always make This Journey to Recovery much more bearable... even though there are many times I feel like giving up, but God will give me the courage to stand up again... +

2009-01-06T20:02:00.003+08:00

oh no... my blog is dying... and Time flies... Happy new year to everyone! So fast its already the year 2009... I really hope year 2009 will be the best year yet for me... Hope I'll experience greater breakthroughs and miracles this year...

On the last day of 2008, that is 31.12.08.... is a day of many celebrations... it was my CG N402 Appreciation day held at my hse... I was very happy to be able to countdown to a brand new year with them...

More Importantly, it was me and Wes's 1 year Anniversary... Time passes so fast... and we have been together for 1 year... but I feel as if I have known him for a long time... Dear I hope to celebrate many more anniversaries with you till the end of time...

May our love grow even stronger and deeper with time... Hope our love will last long, and strong... I love u always... Happy 1 year... <3

I bought 2 Everlast shirts for Wes... and Wes bought me a ring! Yay now I have a ring... cuz I lost the previous one that Wes bought... so sad.... but now Wes have 2 rings... lols... I hope that every year we can renew our love and commitment for each other... and fall in love all over again... just like the first time we just met.... <3

My CG stayed at my hse till 11 plus on Appreciation day... me and Wes didn't go anywhere or do anything special on our anniversary... and he was quite angry cuz we couldn't go out... but I feel it doesn't matter where we go or what we do.... cuz all that matters is that we can spend time together and be with each other...

Still remembered that 1 year ago on 31.12.07, Wes brought me to Town to countdown... watched fireworks... and on Christmas even went around Orchard with his frens spraying foam on Blangahs and beating them up... so stupid rite... lol...

After the CG left, we went AMK hub to watch movie... the movie was quite boring and I was quite sleepy so I fell asleep at some parts of the movie... lol... it was a chinese movie named " Lady cop and Papa crook".... lols funny name....

Year 2009- A brand new Year, a brand new Beginning... I hope to be able to rise up and serve God more, join a ministry... I see myself doing greater things in God's kingdom... I trust God to lead me to my Destiny....

This week is Wes's hell week... so this weekend he'll not be booking out... so sad... means this week I'll be very lonely... sigh I pray for strength from God... that I will be able to endure the loneliness... and I also pray for wes that God will keep him safe and protect him from any harm....

Sigh Im quite worried for him... Dear pls take good care... God will see u through your tough times... I miss you.. U are always in my prayers... <3

My life is so painful without you around.... I miss you... Take care dear... <3

2008-12-10T19:17:00.002+08:00

The past weekend I really enjoyed spending time with Wes... it has been a long time since we spent so much time together... cuz his family went on a holiday... and we had the whole weekend to ourselves.. including mon which was a public holiday...

This kind of chance of spending time together is very rare... especially now Wes is in the Navy... it seemed like a short escapism from Reality and the real world... sigh but Time passed so fast... and now Im back to Reality...

Yesterday I went to help out at a City Care event... called 'Christmas Wonderland'! Its an event organised for the underprivileged and autistc children... It was held at Republic Poly.. and I was the bus captain and in charge of the Autism Association...

Only 10 kids from the Autism Association came... there were many other large groups of children... mostly from the different Family service centres... and other Homes like AWWA etc... the kids were really very cute and fun to play with...

Seeing their happy faces made me happy too... there were performances put up for them, magic show, juggling acts, different types of games, free candy floss, free presents and food and so on. There were also Santa Claus, Gingerbread man, dressed-up princesses.. :D

The carnival was filled with so many kids running around.. I made a few new friends too from CHC.. The autistic kids I were in charge of were so cute...especially 1 little boy called Ray ken... Though they are autistic, they looked very normal..

Ray Ken is very cute.. he cant really talk and seemed to be in his own world... he even picked up a half eaten candy cane on the floor and started eating it... lol so cute... and he kept holding my hand... so cute can... :))

Seeing all the cute little kids made me forget about my problems temporarily... How I wish I can do more for them... especially those that are underprivilged and with special needs...

I only have 1 life.... and I need to make full use of it... Life is short and fragile... I really wish I can do more things for God... but that can only happen if I'm well, and healed...

I have been listening to the 'Light of the City' CHC album every night during my quiet time... and the songs are really nice and Touching... The presence of God is so strong and when I listen to the songs, Tears will just flow...

God has a great Destiny for my Life... God, I surrender my all to You.. Take me and use me for Your Glory... I am willing to lay down my Life for You... +

2008-11-25T19:10:00.003+08:00

Asia Conference is over.... Had a great time at AC.. but I didn't go for all the days... missed Benny Hnn's svc and Grand Finale also... But overall still enjoyed myself...

Still remembered those days during Emerge '06 and 07... sigh really missed EMERGE POS cheerleading... Miss all the fun and dance and friendships forged with NUS City Harvesters... :((

I have been feeling rather down... and Emo recently... sighhh... I feel that my life is a routine... and its just so hard to stay strong... plus all my personal and family problems, its just doesn't make things any better...

What is the worse is that I have to go through all the pain alone... How I wished Wes can be by my side... to be here for me... but the truth is that he can't... I feel so lost, so alone, so Empty... I wonder if my future will ever get better... I worry abt my career... I worry abt my body image and eating issues...

I really need a Breakthrough in my life... I hope the days ahead will be better for me... Sometimes I dunno where I'm heading.. but I just continue to Trust God that He will guide and lead me through my darkest moments and the deepest valleys...

God... pls hear my cries.... I cry myself to sleep almost every night... and No one knows.... I wish I can be set free from my bondage with my past and my Trials one day... I wish I can truly experience Happiness and Freedom.... I really need a Miracle from God...

Pst Phil Pringle mentioned in his sermon last sun.... He said that No Trial last Forever... Every Trial that I go through will only give me more strength, endurance and perserverance... I know I have to be strong... but its not easy... sometimes the emotional and mental pain is so hard to bear...

But God will give me strength... I believe He is always with me, holding my hand everywhere I go... though I cant see Him, cant hear Him, and can't always feel Him.... I want to do more things for God... Serve God more... reach out to the hurting and the less fortunate... Just like Sun... The Asia Conference has placed in me this desire...

But I dunno how to start.. I hope one day I can go for mission trips and help people... I don't want to lead an ordinary and meaningless life... Truly only God can fill up the Emptiness in me...

I pray that one day I can see the Light at the end of the Tunnel... I hope one day I can lead a happy life with Wes... where I don need to always feel so alone...

The God I know is Fathful and True... The God I know strengthens the weak... God will never leave nor forsake me... I pray that God will lead me to my Destiny... I pray that one day I can find my calling and purpose in Life...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.... I really hope one day I can Truly be happy.. and not pretend or try to be happy... I hope one day I will know what True Happiness is.... God, pls hear my prayer... +

Sometimes I wish I can run away.... run away from all these pain, all my troubles... end all the silent sufferings... that no one knows, and no one will ever understand....

Dear... I miss you... Perhaps this is the power of Love.... at times when I fall, Love gives me the strength to pick myself up... Though we can't see each other as often as before, but you are always in my Heart...

I hope one day we can create a paradise of our own.... Just the 2 of us... Where there can be everlasting happiness and Love.... <3

2008-11-12T10:07:00.003+08:00

Many times I cried over you, but the first time I cried in front of you... it was something I wouldn't forget...

I don't let others see my tears easily... because I always put on a strong front... I only cry when I'm alone...

But it depends on the situation... if I really cry in front of someone means there are alot of feelings and emotions involved... or it means I was very sad or hurt.. and the person should be very close to me...

Dear... U said u never see me cry before... now u saw already right... lol... U so fierce it scared me lol... but I still love you...

God showed me so many signs... God always make a way for us to be with each other.. it cant be that coincidental.. and as times passes, the stronger I feel that we are really meant for each other...

Dear... thanks for spending my birthday with me... its already the best birthday gift I can have... I don't want riches or material wealth...

I just want you by my side... Love is more priceless than anything else...

On my birthday.. we went to watch movie at Vivo City.. after that actually dear wanted to bring me to sit cable car but it was already closed... then after that we walked around then went home..

Dear also bought a Forever 21 cardigan for me and also a Titty Teddy bear for me which costs $60 plus.. so expensive!! He also gave me a card... but he only wrote more words on the card after he made me cry.... haha....

Time passes so fast.... sigh... weekends seem to pass so fast... how I wish dear can be with me more often... Sigh I miss you dear... Love you Always... <3

為你而活

2008-11-07T11:21:00.007+08:00

為了你而活為了你而夢為了愛我會撐到最后
當世界都烏有守著你的人是我
為了你而活為了你而夢傷痕再深心無法劃破
跟命運在逆流就算錯了也不退后

I love this song... Its such a sad and meaningful song... The lyrics talks about Life, Pain and Love...

Its about Living for one person, running after your Dreams...

And because of Love, you will press on, never turn back... and be strong no matter how difficult life is...

Even if the whole world world leaves u, I will always be here... <3

Anyway.. Happy birthday to myself! Tho its nothing special to me.. but Im very happy cuz dear can spend my bday with me as he booked out last nite...

My birthday wish... is only to be happy.. and that God will heal me and give me my Miracle... I hope that all my dreams, all my hopes will come to pass, and that God will hear and answer my prayers...

I believe as long as I keep Trusting in God... and keep running on after my dreams.. and be strong, I believe Nothing is impossible... With Love, with God, I will have the strength to Fight on... <3

2008-11-03T19:22:00.003+08:00

When will ever be happy again? When... I feel so lost... and alone... Sometimes I feel that I'm just wandering aimlessly in life... and going through the motions everyday... I'm struggling thru each day... and trying to find my direction in life...

I feel so discouraged... after going for a few job interviews and hearing their comments... sigh... I worry abt my future... and I can't seem to find the light in the midst of this darkness...

I temporarily forget abt my problems when I'm with Wes... I feel happy, and secure with him.. but my happiness doesn't last long... because we have limited time together... I miss him... How I wish I don't have to feel so alone everytime... sigh...

Truly, Beneath this smile of mine, lies a million Tears... and hides so much secrets... Behind my smile is everything u'll never understand... I wished I didn't have to have so much secrets... but sometimes.... some secrets are just meant to be kept....

I have many doubts... about myself, about my purpose in life, about my future, my career, etc etc... Life is painful... especially when u have to go through everything yourself... no one knows, no one sees... because I don't show my emotions on the outside... I keep them all in my heart... cuz I don't want to earn other's pity... only God sees and feels the pain I'm going through...

The building fund season has come again... though its not a big amount to others, but its a big amount to me... I hope that God sees my heart... and I hope this will be the start of more blessings and miracles to come for me.... I really need a miracle from God...

This week is Wes's field camp... so he can't call and msg me at all... Dear I feel so lonely without you... Sigh hope you are fine over there... I miss you... Take care. <3

2008-10-28T23:07:00.002+08:00

Have not been blogging for a long time.. cuz my life not v exciting anyways... lols... last Friday was Shot to Fame! It was v fun... and awesome! Alot of great talents in CHC who can sing so well... and some were v young only... I was so inspired by them!

Actually I was supposed to sing on stage during the mass song which is the finale item.. but in the end never cuz I was busy with the fanclub stuff... Sigh... its ok next time if I join choir ministry can sing on stage during svc every week le... hahas... but hope I can get in...

Anyway, life has not been very good for me... Till now I haven't found a stable job.. Tho now the market is not very good... but as Pst kong said, our God is never a God of shortage... I just hope God will make a way for me... maybe I will consider going into Teaching...

Sometimes I worry abt my Future, my career, plus my own personal problems... I feel so lost and alone... I try not to think so much cuz sometimes I can't help it but cry... sigh... Initially, when Wes entered NS it was a very big change for me and I felt so alone suddenly... but now, almost 2 months have passed... I have also gotten used to it....

I know I have to be strong... Throughout all these years, I have fallen, and I may still fall, but I will pick myself up again... its not easy, but God will give me strength... wat has been keeping me going all along is truly God's strength...

Time really flies... sometimes I wish I can go back to my childhood days when I was so happy and carefree with no worries... but I guess we all need to grow up... Till now I'm still searching for my own identity, and purpose in life...

10 more days to my birthday... sigh still remembered celebrating my 21st bday last yr only... it seemed like yesterday... I dunno why... I'm not really excited about birthdays anymore... because there are so many problems on my mind... I guess my birthday to me will not be anything special...

Dear, I miss you... How I wish u can be here for me and with me... especially during my darkest times... sigh, but I know it is impossible... u can't be with me that often anymore... but its ok cuz I've already gotten used to being alone...

No matter what, u will always be in my Heart... Tho we quarrel at times, and u made me sad... I still love you... Trust me that I will wait for you... Pls take good care in the Navy... I love you. <3

Shot to fame!!

2008-10-06T23:49:00.002+08:00

Oh man... my blog is Rottingggg!! Sorry guys... have not been blogging for a long time... cuz my labtop is always not with me... Many things have happened in the past few weeks.. On 26 Sept we had the EDGE Youth meeting!! It was super cool... BY2 came to perform!! The twin girls look so alike... and they are super cute and pretty and talented!! And they are only 16 years old!! =)
On 1st Oct, wed, we had the 1st Training for Shot to fame!! Haha... I just join for fun only... The 1st Training was very fun! Careen the church vocalist from Superband ( Dreamfactory) gave us tips on how to sing and perform better. I like her! =) After that was the hands on practise session where we had to go in front to sing...
I was very nervous... somemore didn't really prepare any song... so I didn't sing... somemore had to rush off to meet Wes le... we went to Causeway Point to watch 'Painted skin', a chinese movie... It was very nice! The 'demon' actress Sun Li is soooo pretty..... <3
Then, Wes booked in after that... Had to rush back cuz by the time the movie ended was 7 plus le... Then on Thur (2nd Oct), I went to sing KTV with my sister.... I love singing KBOX!! Hahas.... actually its cuz we wanted to practise our singing for 'Shot to Fame'... Had alot of fun singing! =)
But the KTV room was super cold!! When I was singing halfway, Wes called me... and told me he got confinement.... sigh cuz he quarrelled with a campmate on Tue night.... sigh so sway he can only book out on Sun morn then sun night book in again...
Haiz... no choice... so last week only met him 2 days.... dear pls control your temper next time and don get confined again k... On sun I went to Wes's Hse early in the morning after he booked out... then after that went to Vivo City to walk around... then went to Riverwalk for the 2nd training for 'Shot to Fame'....
Dear, thanks for accompanying me... Tho I know u don really like this kind of thing.... and u didn't want to go initially.... but singing is my passion... hope u understand... Sometimes we just need to compromise with each other de... And not only 1 person giving in all the time...
The 2nd Training was even more fun!! Haha... this time I joined my sister for the practise session so I won't be so scared... When it was my turn to sing, I was very nervous... but thank God he gave me the courage... Haha but I sing till halfway then I laughed cuz my sis laugh first... then everyone started laughing too.... LOLS...
I think everyone was amused with my giggling....lol... some of the contestants were very funny.... really v entertaining!! Haha... some sang well, some not, some out of pitch etc.... but it was very fun cuz we showed our support by waving our hands as if in a concert!!

I think the most impt thing is not whether I get into the finals... is the Journey and the new friendships forged and experience gained! Cuz I know I won't get into finals de... I just joined for fun and exposure! Out of 100 plus vocalists, only 8 will be selected... And this event is also an outreach... many non-christian frens also joined! =)

This event is organised by WYZ zone for all aspiring stars to showcase our talents and be a step closer to our dreams! And even for those who have failed before, 'Shot to fame' gives us a chance to fufill our dreams by giving everyone a chance to perform... At the Grand finale, all the vocalists will be singing a mass song on stage called ' 希望的种子'....

Its a very nice song.... I love it! Its a very touching and meaningful song... which encourages pple noty to give up on their dreams... and do not lose hope and faith when you have lost your direction...

The auditions are this Sun, 12 October... I know I won't be able to get into the Finals de... but its ok... at least I took a step of faith by joining... Pst Kong always say... Do not despise the days of small beginnings.... at least I broke out of my limitations and gave myself a chance to fufill my dreams... and most importantly, is to have fun and enjoy myself!! =)

'Shot to Fame' ROCKS!!! <33

2008-09-16T17:43:00.004+08:00

Life is Torture without him around... Everyday is a struggle.. I feel so alone... Whenever he calls me at nite, its like... we're so near yet so Far.... and he can talk only awhile to me....

Was talking to my CG member yesterday on MSN... and the Truth suddenly dawned on me... that Wes will not be able to spend as much time as before with me...or be around for me as often anymore... which is in a way True....

My friend also said... I have to bear with it sometimes... cuz Wes may not be able to give me the attention I need in the near future... and I will know what he means soon.... and that time will come when his career is on track.... and that I need to be understanding....

He also said... that Training phase is often the most tiring and Time consuming... it will be a Test for both of us... Pull through and we both will be Long Lasting.... of cos, I will be understanding and wait for Wes.... but sometimes I can't help but miss him so much.... Sigh....

These few days I have been feeling really down and moody and sad and alone and stressed... but there's no one to go through these darkest moments with me.... I feel so empty and helpless... Sigh....

I know I need to endure... I guess if I'm able to pull through this difficult period, I will be stronger than before... and we both will Truly Last long....

Life isn't easy for me at all.... It is so difficult to stay strong... But I believe God will pull me through... and Love will see me through... Though I can't see God, and I can't see Wes... but I know God is always with me... and I can feel Wes's love for me in my heart... which is helping me to fight on in life....

Almost 1 week have passed since his enlistment day... but it feels like Eternity.... it feel as if I have not seen him for such a loooong time.... Dear... do u know how much Tears I've cried for u... Can u feel my pain... sigh...

Wes told me that every night he has been praying for me... and I was really Touched when I heard that... I have also been praying for him everyday... and I guess Faith and love is what that is keeping both of us strong...

Dear... I really miss you... My world has changed completely without u around.... I can't seem to find the light in the midst of this darkness.... so many things have happened without u around... Everytime I try to stand, I fall again... My nightmare is just so real... How I wish this nightmare will be over soon....

God, pls pls help me to pull through this difficult period of my life.... I really need Your strength... All I need, and want, is just one Touch from Heaven.... + + +

sad.... =(

2008-09-11T12:38:00.003+08:00

My world seems like a darker place without you by my side.... Things are just not the same anymore... Why is it so difficult for me to stay strong.... My eyes are so red and puffy from crying already... I don't want to cry.... But I can't help it....

I Just feel so lost... and alone... suddenly.... but I must be strong... I need to be strong... I guess I need more time to adapt to this change.... The only constant in this world is change... The time has come... where both of us have entered into another phase of our lives... I need to accept it...

I know I can't be strong by my own strength... I need God's strength to pull me through... No one will understand how I feel de... People must be thinking... its only going for NS right?.... Whats the big deal man... But... my world is a dfferent world from others.... What I have been through and am going through, not everyone knows....

And perhaps the reason why I'm missing him so much... is because its True Love between us... where our Hearts are linked as one... Where he feels my sorrow, and feels every Tear that I cry...

Dear.. I really miss you.... Words can't express everything really... Its like there's no one to be there for me anymore... I just hope I'll be fine after some time.... Because I still have God with me...

Dear.... Pls take care of yourself... You promised u'll come back for me.... I will wait for you... x3

" Distance never separate 2 Hearts that really cares, for our Memories span the miles..." x3x3

The day has come....

2008-09-10T12:57:00.004+08:00

Haven been blogging for a loooggg time... My Blog rotting le... Today is a very sad day for me.... Today is the day Wes wento into Ns.... Time really flies.... Went to send him off at the Naval Diving unit...

I know he's rather excited for it... because it has always been his dream to be a diver... I know God will watch over him and cause him to excel in his unit...

The Time that I spent with Wes for the past few days were the most precious and memorable... we went to play at the swimming complex at Jurong last Thursday... first time I have been there... it was very fun... played at the Lazy pool, the Wave pool, the slides....Then on Fri we went to the zoo....

It was fun looking at the Cute animals, and just spending time together... The last time I went to the zoo was like when I was in primary school... The zoo changed quite alot... The past last 3 days we spent time together watching movies... Boys over Flowers Final, Bangkok Dangerous, 12 Lotus, Wall E...

Thinking about those Past memories I really miss Wes alot alot... I know I will be so lonely without him.... sigh.... Just now when I sent him off He gave me one last hug and kiss... and as I saw him walking away and waving from afar, suddenly I just felt so lost....

As I'm typing this, I just can't help but cry... Recently I was just wondering why Wes never call me anymore at night.... last time we used to chat very long on the phone at night.. but recently he stopped calling me...

I thought maybe he's busy playing games or exercising etc and forgotten abt me.... but now I know the reason.... he told me is cuz he's helping me to adapt to the change when he enters the Navy... where he cant call me and talk to me as often anymore.... so recently he stopped calling me so that when he enters Navy the change won't be so big for me.....

I dunno why... suddenly I just feel so alone... and Lost.... I guess I love him more than I thought.. Ever since he came into my life he has been my closest kin and companion... When I'm with Wes, I feel secure, and happy... suddenly all my pain and troubles will seem to go away....

Now... my Tears just keep falling when I think of Wes... I just can't help it... I guess I need more time to adjust... I know I need to be strong... This is Life.... and Life is not a bed of roses... I really pray that God will protect and watch over Wes...

Things just aren't the same anymore without Wes by my side... I have to be strong.... Wes is not there anymore to lift me up when I fall, cheer me up when I'm down, and hold me Tight when I'm scared...God, I pray for the strength to press on in life...

I miss you dear.... I will wait for you... x3

2008-08-17T19:17:00.004+08:00

Counting down..... 24 more days before Wes goes into Ns.... Sigh Time really flies..... Its so scary.... why does Time passes so fast.... as soon as I realise, 10 Sept will come and I will be sending him off.... =( I still remember the first time I met Wes... It seemed only like Yesterday.... Those memories are still etched so clearly in my mind... Come 31st August it will be our 8th month already... This period we have been Together had been a Time of ups and downs, Tears and Joy, Happiness and sorrow...

But through the many arguments we've grown stronger.. and closer... Its just so amazing how God can plan for the paths of 2 Totally different persons from different backgrounds, with a different life story, with a different Past to meet... I believe it was God that allowed our paths to meet in life... and we are destined to be together....

It seemed like only last week I celebrated my 21st birthday.... and 3 months from now it'll be my 22nd birthday.... But this year.. my birthday will be different... cuz Wes may not be around to celebrate with me....

Why does Time flies so fast.... I wish I was in Heaven... where there will be no more Pain, no more Tears, No more sickness, No more sorrow.... only Happiness and Eternal life.... 1 day in Heaven is equal to 1000 days on earth.... Amazing right....

But my Time is not up yet.... Thats why God have not taken me away after all that I've been through and am going through.... sometimes I wonder.... why am I the one to go through all the pain.... why must it be me?.. Its so unfair......

I don't blame God for anything.... I only blame myself..... I believe the reason why God has not taken me away is because I have a Higher Purpose and Destiny for my Life that has yet to be fufilled.... God still wants me to serve Him, and do many great things for His Kingdom....

But.... at times I really can't take it anymore... I always ask God... when will my Breakthrough come? Will it even come... of cos I know God will... but I just dunno when.... Pastor once said, Whatever God has started, He will finish it... And I believe God will finish the great work he had begun in me..... All I can do now is to continue pressing on, and Fight on....

I know when Wes goes into NS... it will be a difficult time for me... I'm very scared... that I will feel very alone and lonely.... There will be no one to accompany me, to talk to me, to give me attention, to hug, kiss or to protect me anymore... Sigh...

Im also very scared... of the times I'll be alone at home.... why.... why must it always happen when I'm alone at home.... I really hate myself........ why me? And not anyone else..... Sigh... God, please heal me.... Thats all I ask for....

************************************************************

Dear, I really will miss you when you are not around... But I'm happy for you too... because I know its your dream to join the Navy... You must Take care of yourself.... and like I always say... Distance never separate 2 Hearts that really cares, for our Memories span the miles...

I don't know how am I going to go through Life each day without you around.... without you by my side... But.... Life still has to go on.... even though Life is hard, and painful at times... but I'll make it through... because I draw my strength from God....

I'll keep u in my prayers too.... that God will watch over you and keep you from harm... This period of time will probably be a Test of our love... for True Love can never be seen by the eyes, but felt with the heart... and The greatest Test of Love is the Test of Time....

Even though we can't see each other... but I hope our love will only grow stronger with Time.... Always know, I'm always in your heart... and Always remember, I'll always be here waiting for you.

Love,

Angeline. <3

Bad Habits- A show on Anorexia... <3

2008-08-03T12:33:00.013+08:00

BAD HABITS 坏习惯

Synopsis

Sins of Indulgence... Intertwining stories of Abuse, Adultery, and Anorexia center around a family and with obsessed mother living in Mexico City. Matilde is a nun convinced that faith moves mountains. Secretly she begins a mystic fasting to end what she considers to be the second great flood. Elena is a thin and fashion-conscious woman ashamed of her daughter’s chubbiness. She’s willing to do the impossible to make her daughter Linda thin so Linda will look like a little princess on the day she receives her first communion. At the same time Elena’s husband Gustavo – a professor of architecture - cannot cope any more with his wife's bones sticking into him during more intimate moments. For relief, he turns his attention to a buxom female student with a hearty appetite.

Director: Simon Bross Cast: Ximena Ayala, Elena de Haro Genre: Drama Runtime: 103 mins Rating: M18 (Sexual Scenes) Language: Spanish with English subtitles

**************************************************************

OMG.... This movie is a MUST-WATCH for me.... There are very few movies on Anorexia... and this is one of them!! Its an Exclusive showcase movie thats only shown at Cathay Picturehouse... I know its surely going to be a very interesting and cool and sad movie for me... cuz it reminds me of my Past...

Those pple foreign to Anorexia may not be interested in this movie... But for me, Its my Personal Life story and experience ... and when I saw the preview of this movie 1 month ago, I was attracted to it instantly and knew that This is the movie I must Definitely watch... Later Im going to watch with Wes... and I'm looking forward to it...! <33

2008-08-03T11:15:00.007+08:00

I love the show America's Next Top Model!! Its my all Time Top BEST Favourite show... and my * INSPIRATION * too!! In this cycle of ANTM Cycle 9, my Top Favourites are 3 girls...

Heather!! I think she is really an EXOTIC Beauty... she is just so Special.. and Unique.. I like her ALOT ALOT... <3

This is Lisa... I like her the BEST!! She is just so absolutely Stunning and BEAUTIFUL and GEORGEOUS.... <3

Chantal!! She is super CUTE and HOT and PRETTY... I Love her!! <33

Sick and sad.... ='(

2008-07-31T18:32:00.006+08:00

Its been AGES since I last used the comp or went online.... cuz I left my labtop at Wes's dad office... cuz usually when I come bk home from work I'll be too tired to do anything else... including using my labtop.... so now Im using my sis's labtop instead....
But this week I never go work at all... only yesterday went onsite to help out half day.... sorry dear I cant help you out.... Sigh.... this is because I have been sick since last Friday... sick for 1 week le.... oh man.... I just started work for 1 week then fall sick already... I can't be so weak right..... =(
Dunno why I will fall sick also.... maybe is I got a cold in the office, or maybe is the mosquito bites I got when I went onsite to a factory, or maybe is fatigue... lols I also dunno.... Sick really very xingku.... sigh cant do anything except sleep whole day....

I hope is not because of the mosquito bites though.... lols.... because I got Dengue fever before in year 2005... was very very ill... had to stay in hospital, and had to be put on drip... and had to receive many injections... and kept on vomiting... whole body aching....

Somemore that time I was soooo skinny.... and my body immunity was very low.... Can you Imagine how much Torture I had to went through.... Lols....

But now I think its not dengue fever ba... cuz pple say if you got it once you won't get it again... But u'll never know... This kind of thing very hard to say... I really hope its not....

But I have all the symptoms of Dengue fever now... Past few days had high fever, bad headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, rashes, swollen lymph nodes, and kept vomiting.... lols I don't wish to scare myself...

Fever, migraine and vomiting is the worse.... my whole head felt like its going to burst.... and my headache is very bad... my eyes, jaw, neck are so pain.... at its worse I really felt like dying.... and my fever was so high I felt as if I was in a desert.... lols.... but now Thank God my fever has went down....

Past few days I couldn't really eat much also... even drink water I also can vomit out.... my mum cook porridge for me I also vomitted out some... But now better le.... at least not so nauseous.... if not really can die.... btw self induced purging is different from vomiting.... both are Painful but the latter is worse.... if u know what I mean....

Sigh... went to see doctor and the doc said I got serious virus infection... My eyes were puffy and there are swellings on my neck... Damn... and the doc said I got alot of swelling of the lymph nodes on my neck... 4 or 5 of them... and some quite big one.... and if by 2 weeks if the swellings are still there need to do blood tests already.... Hope its nothing serious... + +

Today slept through the whole day.... dunno why sooo tired... Yest I went to work for half day only also cannot take it already.... Felt so dizzy.... my whole head was like spinning.... Thats why today I didn't go work...

Sigh seems like ages since I last spend time with Wes... cuz he's busy at work.... Last weekend didn't really go out with him either.... last sat I went for Prayer meeting after service but Wes didn't want to go.... after that I fellowshipped with my sister's CG then went home.... on Sun didn't meet also... quarrelled with him cuz I went for make up CG instead of meeting him.... he shouted so loudly at me on the phone...

Sigh dunno wat to do sometimes.... when I have to choose between God and him.... and when our commitment are different in different areas..... like church for instance.... Im committed to church and God etc but he's not.... But... I guess everyone has their own differences... All I can do is Just let go and Let God.... I don't want to think so much also....

Dear... 1 more month before u go into NS.... I'm sad... but I have to face Reality.... This is life... we all have to go through changes... Nothing is constant in this world except change.... Promise me u'll Take good care of yourself.... I'll always be here waiting for you..... and I hope your Feelings for me will not change.... I Trust you... and pls don't let me down.

Time Flies.... and We have been Together for exactly 7 months already... I hope to celebrate many more anniversaries Together with you, Till the very end of Eternity.

Love ya... <3

Start work!!

2008-07-23T12:12:00.012+08:00

My blog is rotting liao.... too long nvr update...lols... cuz my life has been quite boring.... But the start of this week onwards I am helping out at Wesley's dad company... cuz they need help... Im quite happy... cuz I don have to stay at home... which is so borrrinnngggg....

Im different from others... I cant stay alone at home de... Only a few pple close to me will know why... Truly, one is more vulnerable to the devil when one is alone... Now I know why God created men that they should never be alone....

Now I helping at wes's dad company... Now everyday can see Wes... Till the day he goes NS... Sigh so sad... ='(

Now that Im 'working', cannot catch up on my Beauty sleep... hahas.... and when go to onsite project its quite tiring... But Wes's job more Tiring.... cuz He's the installer and need to install CCTV.... so poor thing....

Even though it may be Tiring, but its better than staying at home... at least Im not so bored... and can help them out.. and can also accompany Wes to work... =)

Past 2 days went to onsite and plan out how to install CCTV... It was my 1st time.... lols.... and can see its Tough work.... now everytime I go home, I lie on the bed and can immediately fall asleep le... cuz very Tired already... dunno where Wes find the energy to still play game and exercise....lols....

Btw... I love the CH 8 drama Beach. Ball. Babes!<3 Cuz inside the show got alot of my Favourite stars!! They are Jessica Liu, Joanne Peh, Dawn Yeo and Christopher Lee... Jessica, Joanne and Dawn are sooooo CUTE, PRETTY AND HOT!!! <3 Love them loads.... =)

ok... I have to get back to work le... Bye!=)

God...pls heal me... + +

2008-07-08T19:10:00.004+08:00

Today morn had a big quarrel with my mum... don wanna remind myself of it... sigh... but everytime we quarrel, I will feel very sad and angry.... cuz it reminds me of my past.... how we used to fight and quarrel everyday last time.... The Painful memories will just come back...

I guess I love my mum afterall... even though our relationship has been thru much ups and downs... cuz if I don love her, even if we quarrel and fight I won even feel anything.... Or maybe its cuz everytime we quarrel it will bring Flashbacks of the past... and I will feel so Hurt....

I feel very sad... cuz I shouted very loud and lost my temper at her.... sigh sometimes I really cant control myself.... I also don wish to lose my temper at her de.... but its only when she talks about some particular things it will trigger me.... Till now even my mum don understand me.... sigh....

Whenever my emotions get the better of me, I won't have the mood to do anything else... I only can cry.... and sleep.... to stop myself of thinking what has happened.... Thats what I did today.... After crying, I went to sleep...and when I woke up, it was already evening time.... lols...

Crying is a form of release by the way.... not a sign of weakness.... in fact people who cry are strong on the inside..... because they are not afraid to show their weakness on the outside.... I read somewhere pple with depression sleep alot.... last time when I stayed in hospital, I also saw that depressed patients slept the whole day de....lols....

That was just random...lols.... by the way, Im NOT depressed... I think so ba.... Im just sad not depressed.... anyway I've been thru this kind of life since I was 15....

But now I think its worse.... and my condition is not getting better... Everyday I'm fighting a battle with myself, with food, with my body. Im so tired of everything.... of all the pain Im doing to my body.... Wes tells me its all in the mind.... I just need to be strong....

Actually, Dear... you are wrong... if it was that easy, I wouldn't be struggling till today..... Im actually a very strong girl.... and if its all about the mind, or willpower, why haven I recovered yet?...... My condition is not about whether Im weak in the mind or what.... its something more complicated... only someone who have been thru the same thing as me will understand....

Thats why sometimes I read blogs of pple with E*ting disorders..... because I can really relate to them.... I understand what they are thinking and feeling... because I think and feel like them too.... Every kind of E*ting disorder I've been through.... from one extreme to the other.... all the sufferings and mental Torture..... Im just so Tired of it.....

Sheer willpower is never enough to overcome this illness.... Even if I pray everyday, it can't be guaranteed that I'll recover.... because its not that easy at all.... Sometimes in front of other people... or when Im with Wes, I temporarily forget about my problems.... thats why I can appear so happy... but thats just a for a moment.... Deep inside my heart and mind there are just so much emotional and mental turmoil..... it will only surface when Im alone, and back to reality....

All these years I've been deceived by a lie.... Im living a lie all these years. Sometimes I don wish to think, or talk about my problems... Im just escaping from the truth.... I can only escape for a while..... but eventually, the root of the problem is still there.... and my condition has not improved... its still there....

Sometimes I thought I am getting better... but this is just a lie.... Im only better 'Temporarily', but the truth is that I haven't fully recovered yet.... I told myself.... that maybe next time when I go out to work, I will get better.... because I will not be alone at home, and cuz I will be busy with work already.... but I guess Im wrong.... Im just running away from my problem.... Im just lying to myself.....

I guess apart from seeking supernatural help..... I need to seek natural help too.... last time I used to see my counsellor and doctor every week.... but as I grew older.... I stopped seeking help as often..... and eventually stopped seeking help...

Sigh..... actually Tmr is my Commencement graduation day.... Its supposed to be a happy and exciting day where I've gone thru University and get my degree.... but I dunno why.... I don feel anything.... Im not happy or excited or anything..... I also dunno if my parents will be attending my Commencement.... after Today's quarrel.... Sigh.... =(

I really dunno how my Future will be like.... Im so fearful of every single day ahead.... Im so afraid to wake up to face another day.... where I have to go through another day of pain and struggle.... sometimes I wonder....Why? Why must I be the one....

But.... I don blame God at all... Everything happens for a Purpose... Pastor always say God can turn every difficulty in our lives into an opportunity... and every stumbling stone into a stepping stone.... I guess I need to really pray more.... and apart from that, its time I start to seek medical help again.....

Thank God I still have Wes whom I know will always be there for me... I really pray Tomorrow will be a better day..... and I hope I can see the Light soon in the midst of this darkness.... †

2008-07-07T14:36:00.004+08:00

Wes ask me why I never update my blog for so long... u know why... cuz my Life is SOoOo boring... Nothing exciting to blog about.... lol.... I can't stand being alone at home... very boring... All alone in a big house.... maybe its time to catch up on my beauty sleep before I start working.... hahas...

Actually, if not for Wes, I would have started working long time ago.... cuz I can't stand being idle... I need to keep myself busy de... sigh.... but cuz I want to accompany Wes before he goes into NS... so I cant start working yet.... if not it will be quite difficult to find time to accompany him... especially on weekdays....

Dear.. now u know how much sacrifices I made for you... lol.... but Wes also almost everyday working de.... only meet me once on weekdays... so most of the time Im alone at home.... Sigh....

2 more months only... before he goes into NS... sigh really hope that God will keep him safe.. soon I will also be working le... Time really flies... Pray I can find a good job... Cindy told me that she can't believe that so fast I've graduated... she said I still look very young.... lol...

Then she said I've finally grown up now that Im stepping into the marketplace to work... lol I tot I already grown up long ago..... lols... but frankly speaking... Im rather scared.... afterall its another phase of my life.... I hope God can guide and lead me and take away all my Fears....

Anyway... last sat was Mike Connell's service.... The service was great... although its quite disappointing that there was no Deliverance.... but the presence of God was very strong.... I believe God will set me free totally from bondage one day....

Sometimes... I still think of my Past... sometimes I wished I could go back to my Past.... sigh.... I never believed that Time will heal all wounds... because it can't.. Time may lessen the hurts as years go by, but The Pain, and the memories will never go away. Thats why its quite hard for me to move forward... I feel very lost at times, wondering where I should go, what I should do. I hope God will give me the strength to face my Future.... and the courage to pursue my Dreams..... +

Also, many of CHC leaders and members are over in Taiwan for Taiwan Youth camps... actually I wanted to go de.... but cuz of financial and commitment issues... I didn't go.... One day I hope to go on mission Trips with Pastor.... This is one of my Dreams.... =)

Heard that Pst Zhuang is sick over in Taiwan and is being hospitalised.... Really pray that he gets well soon.... God pls heal him.... I believe that he will recover completely.... +

Wes is going into NS in 2 months time.... and as soon as I know... its going to be Sept already.... because Time Flies... I will miss him alot... but I have to face Reality.... People go through different phases in life and meet different people in different seasons.....

Initially, I was very very sad that Cindy was not my CGL anymore last year.... cuz she was very close to me.. But now... I have learnt to let go... because people walk in and out of our lives... some stay, and some go, while only a few leave behind footprints in our Hearts and memories.

Wes have walked into my life and I hope he will stay for as long as I live.... I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.... don let me down kae dear.... I will miss u alot when you go into NS... God will always be with you... and I will always be with you too.... in your Heart, and in your memory....

I only hope you will be safe and God will protect you from harm... I know diver is going to be Tough... Sigh Im very worried actually.... but there's nothing I can do.... I only can Trust God that He will protect and watch over you....

And one more thing.... Dear when u go into NS... I hope you will not forget about God.... I hope u'll be faithful to him and church even when u go into NS... I know u will be busy and Tired and stuff... but I just hope u'll never forget your roots.... of how God has brought you through all these years...

Even Though we may be apart... but we are always together in our Hearts. I may not be your First Love, but I hope I can be your Last Romance. <3

<33

2008-06-25T09:07:00.005+08:00

Sometimes... I really hate myself.

I dunno.... sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I'm not. I don't seem to get better, I can't seem to get better... I still have many personal problems... Im not good enough, not Thin enough...

I know Im wonderfully and Fearfully made... but sometimes its just not that easy to get rid of those thoughts of insecurities and fears....

I'm quite afraid of the Future... I don't know how will it be like... I've gone thru alot in the past... will my Future ever get better?....

I can only Trust my Future in God's hands... God has a great Destiny for me... Life still have to go on...

Its very True that you are the person you are Today due to your Past, your roots, and what you have gone through... Truely my past have shaped the person I am today...

Sometimes its hard to walk out of it... There will always a part of me living in the shadow of my Past....

But I hope, and I Believe, I will be able to see the light one day... I will not give up... because There are many more things I want to do in life.. I want to serve God more and do greater things for the Kingdom of God.... +

And... Thanks Dear... for always being there for me, always loving me, and always believing in me... I wouldn't know what to do without you... Though you very fierce to me sometimes... lols...

There are many things in the future I wouldn't know... but one thing I know... is that my love for God, and my love for him... will never ever die. And I also know, even if everyone else forsake me, God will never forsake me....

Dear... although I may have my own uncertainties and insecurities at times... you never gave up on me... I really hope you will keep to what you said and promised me...

I have made a decision, and I will never turn back.. because This is the path I have chosen to take...

Although now I still lack self esteem, and I am still struggling with myself... but I believe one day I will overcome all of them.. I can't do it alone, and I will never be able to do it alone.

But with God, and with love, it is possible.. because Love is able to Heal, and Love conquers all things. Lastly... dear... Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone... during all the times I feel no one cares, or no one understands...

Although we may not get to see each other as often anymore when u go into NS... but you will always be in my heart... and the love between us will only grow stronger each day... I love you always. <3

2008-06-22T23:22:00.002+08:00

I'm Back from Genting!! Had a fun time.. though there was nothing much to do.... lols... but I miss my dear dear loads!!!! Today met up with Wes after 5 longgg days... so happy to be with him and spend time with him again..

The trip to Genting was quite fun... spend the 5 days playing the thrill rides at the indoor theme park, shopping, singing kbox, play arcade, sat the monorail and cable car, looking at scenery etc...

But we didn't play the outdoor rides.... cuz it was very very cold and I couldn't take it... I go outdoors awhile I already shivering like crazy....lols...

In our hotel room there was no aircon but it was still very very cold! Cuz we were up in the clouds and the temperature was colder than aircon... lols... at night I didn't sleep very well cuz it was so cold... I miss my bed, my room , my home!! lols.....

The indoor thrill rides were fun... me and my sis played bumper car, 3D motion master, Euro express thrill ride, ferris wheel etc... and we sneaked out to play the outdoor rides.... haha the person at the counter didn't even notice!! Lols... but we played 2 games then it started raining le.... so sad.... =(

We also played The Flying Coaster at the outdoor theme park... it was so scary but exciting and thrilling!! Me and my sis screamed very loud lols..... it was as if we were flying.... haha....

5 days passed very fast.... though there were nothing much to do but it was fun.... but I felt like going home cuz I miss my bed and I miss dear dear! lols....

I feel that the best thing is not the fun but the time spent with my family.... cuz usually all of us are very busy with our own lives and sometimes I hardly talk to my parents at home also.... but I also feel very sorry cuz I lost my temper a few times in Genting... sorry mummy...

Sigh... dunno why my parents quarrelled and fought so badly yesterday when we came home from Genting.... sigh... I also used to it le... last time I also everyday fight and quarrel with my parents and got beaten up... Haiz.... hope things will be ok soon....

Now Im back home, I quite miss Genting..... lols.... but I miss CG and church!! And Im happy cuz I can be with my dear dear again.... <33

2008-06-16T11:34:00.002+08:00

Hi guys! I'll be going to Genting with my parents and sister next Tue to Sat... so will be missing church and CG this week.... =(

At first my mum wanted to bring us go Taiwan.... but in the end never.... so end up going Genting instead... lols.... =(

Dear... I will miss you! Must take good care ok... I will be back soon! 5 days very fast over de... Remember... we are far apart in distance but never in our Hearts... Love you loads... Take care... Muacks. <3

Oh and btw... I miss Camp X!! ='(

BYEeeeee! Loves~x3

CHC Camp X!!!

2008-06-11T22:37:00.006+08:00

Just came back from CHC WYZ Tertiary zone Camp X...!!!! WooHoo!!! It was an extremely Fun, exciting and life changing experience!! I enjoyed myself very much... and am even more on fire for God after Camp X!! Camp X... stands for Xcellence, Xplosive and Xtraordinary!!!
Though it was very Tiring... and I didn't sleep well... and barely slept... and got alot of mosquito bites... and got muscle aches... BUT it was all worth it... because it gave me an experience of a lifetime, one I will never forget! =)
Camp X was the first camp that WYZ zone organised only for the Tertiary students.. thats why this time round there were lesser people compared to Breakaway camp last year. All 3 days of Camp X were filled with fun activities and the sessions were filled with Anointing and God's presence was so Tangible....
Day 1:
Our house Team is the INCREDIBLES!!!! My CG N402 combined with W452, my sister's cg... Its the BEST Team!! =) We played games, did our house cheer.. and our team won the best cheer! =) We also did outdoor activities like rafting and low obstacle course... It was very fun!! Especially rafting.... we had to unite as a team and make a raft using pipes, barrels and ropes under the scorching sun...
The guys did most of the work... and the gals helped to tie the ropes.... Wes so poor thing... his whole face was full of sweat and he had many cuts on his finger... =( Compared to the other group, our raft was very stable... After that we pushed our raft into the sea... and we had a race against the other team to see who can row the raft fastest using the paddles.... and we won!! =)
I rowed very hard till my arms so pain... and I fell into the sea 2 times...lol... but it was very fun! After that I still swam in the sea... haha.... after rafting was lunch then we had low obstacle course... then we bathed then got ready to go to Riverwalk! There was a shuttle bus to take us there.... and I slept on the bus... so sleepy... so nice to sleep on the bus.... haha...
We discussed our drama at Riverwalk.... our drama was based on "Enchanted" the movie... and the gals act so funny.... lol... and The session with Pst Zhuang was great.... he preached about Brokenness.... I really felt the presence of God....
After that we went back to Changi MOE adventure campsite... and we got into our prayer groups... I am in NUS Prayer group... but Im very sad... Haiz cuz I graduated from NUS le.... one word to students who are still studying... Make use of your time well now u are still in school... reach out to your schoolmates... There will come a time eventually when u are no longer studying anymore... Don wait till its too late for regrets.... Just like me... its too late for regrets already... =(
After praying for our campus, we went to the canteen to chit chat.... then spend some time with Wes at the staircase talking... lols.... after that go sleep.... ZzZz...
Day 2:

Rise and Shine! Didn't really sleep well... After breakfast we went to Riverwalk for " Women's and Men's workshop"... the session was catered only for girls... the session with Yilun was very good... she preached on how to handle the hurts in our life.... It made me think of my past... =(

At the end she gave an altar call and I went forward... Tears kept flowing as she prayed for me and I fell under the power of God... so Touched and refreshed after the session! I like Yilun too... She's my inspiration! =)

After that we had a make up session... Jace came to teach us how to put on make up... wah the last time she came to teach us was 1 year ago! She taught us how to put on fake eyelashes... and she demonstrated on Nicole... and Nicole's eyes became even BIGGER...o.O.. lol... but I was very sleepy... kept dozing off.... =( zZz...

After that was lunch and then we played the game "The Apprentice" It was very fun... we had to go around asking strangers to give us any amount of money after we performed for them... we did chicken dance, sang... and most of the money that we earned is cuz Wes did Pushups for the strangers... haha yea He's the man! =)

In the end we earned $78!!! Wow its such a good way to earn money... haha... we lost to the other team by $2... and if we didn't buy the sweets we would have won! =( After the game, we went to buy flowers for the people in the beauty pageant... there are 5 pple in our INCREDIBLES Team thats in the pageant!! They are Hui Mien, Xiao Hui, Kas, Weiliang, and Ben! Woohoo!

Actually alot of pple asked me join cuz I have the looks.. but Im very shy... Next time if I have the confidence I will sure join... =) The girls are all from my sister's CG and they are all very pretty.... I know they will sure win!!

After that we took bus to Cuppage Plaza at Orchard Road... then we changed at the toilet... The praise and worship at 'Haute Couture' was great! Exactly like a rockstar concert! =) The beauty pageant was very cool.... the girls in our house all so pretty... and they did well!

Xiaohui won 3rd place, Hui Mien 2nd, and Kas was the winner!! Woohoo!!! They are all from our house!! Yeah! =) I like Hui Mien! I think she very pretty.. =) Weipin won the best dressed award too! After 'Haute Couture', we went in front to take photos and congratulate the winners!! Then, me and Wes went to 7-11 buy things... he wants to buy biscuits for me to eat... lol.....

After that we took shuttle bus back to Changi campsite.... on the bus I slept very soundly... so tired... Then before sleeping, I spent time with Wes talking at a dark staircase again... lol... my whole body aching.... and he help me massage my body... =) After that I went to sleep... Zzzz...

Day3:

Today is the last day of camp! I had mixed feelings.... sad that so fast the camp is all over.... but happy that I can go home cuz I miss my bed and my PooH bear!! LoL... after breakfast we took shuttle bus to Jurong west church... and had a session...

Cindy Png preached a sermon on living out our dreams for God... Cindy preached very well! Love her... Then we prayed for campus revival... then after that had Arm wrestling competition!!

Wes represented our house... but lost... cuz the contestants used their body weight instead of following the rules of arm wrestling... play cheat one... but its ok.... Dear you are already the winner in my heart! =)

After that Cindy announced the results.... our house won 3rd place... but its ok... cuz we won alot of prizes already... especially the beauty pageant... and Samuel also won the 'Best Camper' award!! Yay!

After that, we went to Pizza hut... then went home... I miss my home! But I miss Camp X too!... I had alot of fun during the camp... and alot of dark eye rings too... haha...

But most importantly I have grown spiritually stronger during this camp... and I truly want to serve God more and do more things in the Kingdom of God! +

Results

2008-06-04T00:08:00.005+08:00

Actually.. I feel quite lost ... sometimes I wonder whats my True calling in life... After all I have gone through, God pulled me through all my difficult times, and saw me through my stressful school and university life...
In a blinking of an eye, I am going to step into the marketplace to work already... and I still am unsure what to do and where to head. Honestly.. I miss school... I miss NUS... Though I always skip school.. and hardly studied.. and feel very stressed at times... but I still miss my university life...
It contains many memories... from Year 1 to Year 3... how I always skip classes, rush projects and assignments, class presentations, burn midnight oil, explored the campus, stayed in hall, hang out with friends, used the comp lab, the toilet, how I was so weak and tired during Year 1 and 2 but still pressed on etc etc.... The list never ends. In short.. I miss school... =(
I still remember I was in Year 1 only.... sigh Time flies... That time was still a freshie and always got lost in campus... I still stayed in hall for a month and even joined CCAs like aerobics and kickboxing...lol.... and also took Theatre studies... it was so fun.... I got the chance to act and direct a film... Year 1 was the most fun de....

Actually in university I always skip lectures de... since Year 1... lol... partly is also cuz I was very weak that time... but I still do fairly well in exams... This is ok for someone who don't study at all... Lols....

Year 3 was the most stressful de.... the modules are more difficult.. Just checked my results today... and I did ok actually... but one module didn't do very well... Sigh so sad....

But I kinda expected it... cuz for 2 modules I didn't go for lectures at all.... I only attended the first and the last lecture in the whole semester.... Can you imagine it.... lol...

But I spend alot of time on that 2 modules also... Publications Graphics and design and News reporting... But I still get C and D for that... I think its because of my attendance that pulled down my grades... =(

But for the 3 other modules.. I didn't spend much time on them... and I didn't even study for exam... I only studied the night before the paper!! LoLs... Crazy rite.... But I dunno why I never study still can get As and B for the 3 other modules....

Moral of the story is.... I don't need to study!! LoL... I nvr study yet can get As and Bs.. but those modules that I spend alot of time on I got C and D... =.= LoL... kidding la.... Actually the conclusion is I suck at computer skills but Im good in my writing skills....

Though Im quite disappointed with my results.... but I already tried my best... and what I have to do now is to move on.... I place my Future in God's hands... Hope God will lead me from glory to Glory!

And CHC Camp X is next Mon!! WooHoo!! Looking Forward to it!! =)

Dear... I miss you... =(

Rhythm of life

2008-05-22T00:06:00.009+08:00

I LoVe Her. x33

This is the theme song of my Fav ch 8 drama.. 《变奏曲》. The drama is so Touching and sad, and have alot of my favourite stars in it... Jeanette Aw, Jessica Liu, Dawn Yeoh, Elvin Ng, Christopher Lee, and 2 more guy actors but I dunno the name... lol...

I love Jeanette Aw the most!! She's so pretty and cute.. so Talented and can dance very well!! Jessica and Dawn also very pretty... I love all of them!! <3

The guy actors all also very cute and shuai... especially Tianbao in the show... and Elvin Ng... <3

Rhythm Of Life 《变奏曲》 - Synopsis

Rhythm of Life portrays that.. a decision made by a single person leads to the changes in the lives of those around him.

This show is so sad... God gave a second chance and Time was rewinded so that Junjie (Christopher Lee) could save Zhiling who died (Jessica Liu)... but in the end 5 people died... and They are all my favourite stars! Sigh... So sad... =(

Anyway, I love Jeanette Aw.... she's so pretty... I love Dawn too... she's so cute!! <3

Of all the 7 Princesses in Caldecott hill (Mediacorp), I love Jeanette Aw <3 The most!! Followed by Dawn Yeoh, Jessica Liu and Joanne Peh... x3

my love story
2008-05-18T21:53:00.003+08:00
Seriously.... The love story between me and wes can be a tv drama already.... because it really is like a Tearjerker... like those Ch 8 tv dramas.. very dramatic, sad and emotional..... lol.....
As I've mentioned in my previous post, we quarrelled quite badly in church yest and left quite quickly after service... actually its nothing serious... but Wes don like me talking to other guys...
When he saw me talking to Tomi, He walked towards me, stared at me and took my hand. Then, he pulled out my ring from my finger and just walked off.... lol very drama rite....
Then he motioned with his finger asking me to follow him... and at the church staircase he shouted very loud... and punched the wall.... I was very sad.... cuz he hurt his hand... sigh.... Then we took cab to sembawang.....
Do you know.... I really felt like crying when I saw his hand trembling.... and when he's in pain.... sigh... and he did everything using one hand only cuz his other hand injured... I see him like that my heart so pain... ='(
And throughout the journey we didn't talk at all... do u know how much that hurts... in the end I didn't go to Wes's fren wedding dinner with him... cuz I was not wearing formal.... Wes gave me money took cab home.... when I went home I still felt very sad... I still love him alot...
Then at nite Wes called me... He sounded v drunk... and kept repeating the same things over and over again.... He keep saying he loves me, ask me not to leave him.... said he can't live without me... he's very afraid to lose me....
At first I found it very funny when he keep repeating "I love you" and other things to me... but after a while, when he started to talk abt more things, I just felt so sad that I cried...
Tears just kept flowing.... sigh.... cuz he said the moment he said he wants to break up he regretted it... and was really scared that I would really leave him..... and he keep asking me to forgive him.....
The next day... my eyes were abit swollen lor... shucks... but I was surprised Wes remembered what he said that night... he even remember that I cried... =.=
Dear... I love you very very much... and Forever... I have already forgiven you even before you asked me to.... I will never ever leave you.... I love you... Till the day I die.. Even after I die, I'll still be with you Forever in Heaven....

*******************************************************

Anyway went for make up cg today.... N4O2 combined with W452... my sister's cg and my cg together... The CG meeting was great... The presence of God was So strong... There was just so much Anointing...
Nicole prayed for me when I went forward to be prayed for... The presence of God just Touched me to Tears and I couldn't stop crying.... I Felt so much better after letting it all out....
Then, We went to Westmall to fellowship... after that I went to Tiong Bahru to meet my parents, sis and grandma... I dunno why, but my grandma always seems especially happy when she sees me... lol... I think its cuz she knows my past... I still remember last time she always take care of me....
After that we went to shop around a bit then went home... I didn't go to meet Wes at East coast park cuz very late already... I miss you alot dear dear... <3

heartbroken
2008-05-17T22:25:00.003+08:00
Today quarrelled with Wes in church again... he shout so damn loud... and say so many hurting things...sigh..
I'm trying very hard to be strong... Its not easy putting on a strong front when your heart is totally shattered.
Just because U don't see me cry, it doesn't mean I don't. And just because I don't say a thing, it doesn't mean my heart don't feel a thing.
Harsh words hurt feelings. But silence breaks hearts.
Those words that you said... it really hurt my feelings... but I tried very hard to hold back those Tears. I just feel so lost... and sad. Its like.... you have changed.. since the time I knew you at the start.
Where there is Love, there is always Pain.
Do you know how much my heart hurt when you smashed your hand against the wall? I would rather you hurt me than hurt yourself....
Do you know how hard was it to fight back those Tears after hearing what you said....
Despite all these, I still love you.... Afterall, Love hopes all things, believes all things, bears all things, and Endures all things.
The moment I was not with you, Tears just flowed down right away. I just don't let pple see me cry.
When I'm alone, No one hears me cry.
When the day comes when I cry in front of you, that will be the day when you hurt me the most.
Very Often the people we love the most end up hurting us the most. This is very True. Don't just say you love me. Prove it. Actions speak louder than words.....
Also, Pls think twice the next time when you say you want to break up. Because don't wait till its too late for regrets when someone is no longer with you.
When the day comes when you miss me but Im already gone, don't regret as it is you who left me with a broken heart.
I don't even know how I'm feeling now. I don't want to think about it also. Thinking about it just makes me even more sad. Give me a few more days...... I 'll get over it.
I'll still say.... I love you with all my heart. And I'll wait for you when you go into NS. Till the day when you learn how to treasure me, I will always be here for you.

2008-05-15T12:23:00.001+08:00

Emo girl

2008-05-14T19:43:00.013+08:00

The world inside of me, You can never see. A world of Secrets, shame, Tears and lies.

What you see on the outside, is a strong girl. But on the inside of me, I'm fighting a battle everyday.

There are just some things I can't say. And there are just some things U'll never understand.

Don't let my smile fool you.

You gotta mouth like a razor-blade, it cuts so deep. So kiss my wrists my neck and give me eternal sleep.

I'm hoping on the day that all the Pain runs right out of my finger tips ; I can't take this anymore.

I'm in pain. I can't do this anymore. But I can't stop.

I'm struggling within me. This cruel world is tearing me apart. I'm ruining my body.

Just cause her eyes don't Tear
Doesn't mean her heart don't cry
& Just because she appears strong
Doesn't mean that nothing's wrong.

And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it all up inside. If you look past her broken eyes, To a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, The girl is really me.

What Hurts The Most

Was Being So Close

& Having So Much To Say

& Watching You Walk Away.

*** Fight on, Press on, Stay strong.<3

2008-05-11T01:11:00.004+08:00

Today is Mother's day!! Today service was so touching... got drama and expression of love to the mothers... Actually my mum agreed to come with us for service today de... but last minute didn't come... sigh cuz we quarrelled in the morning....

For a very long time we never quarrel le till today... and somehow I just feel its the devil thats trying to break up my family again... But the devil will not succeed... because God will give us the power to overcome the devil!!!

Yesterday during cg also quarrelled with Wes... and it was a BIG quarrel not a small one... sigh don wanna talk abt it but just feel very sad and hurt...

Though he was VERY VERY fierce, actually I was not really scared cuz Im already used to alot of verbal and physical abuse in the past... thats why now I still can take it... Wes shout so loud and was literally burning with fury...lols... but after a while he cooled down le and said sorry...

Dear No matter what, I still love you...

I cant blame him too... this is his nature.. just hope he can slowly change... somemore last time I was also very hot tempered like him... seriously... when I shout, the whole neighbourhood can hear me one... lols... and when Im angry I will become very violent too....

Today's service I thought of the past... how my mum always hit and scold me last time... my days were really filled with fighting and quarelling with my family in the past...

Now, I just hope God will heal the relationships in my family.... and bring love and reconcilation and happiness to my family.... I believe God will answer my prayers...

And I also hope.... that my relationship with Wes will grow stronger and closer day by day even though we may quarrel at times... for it is not only the happy moments, but the ups and downs that make a relationship.... † †

Exams over!!! Yay!! =)

2008-05-06T18:56:00.003+08:00

Wah my blog rotting liao... very long never blog le!! Cuz too busy due to exams... But today is my last paper... Exams finally over le... Yipee!! I can't believe it... I don need to study anymore!! lol...but actually I never study much also.. seriously.... for all my papers I only studied the night before... can u imagine it....lol.....

Can't be helped.... since young I don like to study.... so its really amazing I made it so far... I can't believe that I actually survived 3 years of university... all the last min studying, the Neverending assignments and projects, all the times I was so stressed and felt like giving up.... God pulled me through in the end...

I think I will miss school life.... but I won't miss all the projects and exams... haha... but Im soon gonna step into another phase of my life... that is stepping into the market place to work... I dunno how the future will be like... but I just hope that God will make a way for me...

Anyway, after so long my exams finally over.... finally can take a break from the monster schoolwork.... Woohoo!! Haha... but seriously, I will miss school... =(

2008-04-29T19:29:00.001+08:00

My silent Pain

2008-04-21T15:23:00.003+08:00

Every single day is a constant struggle for me. I'm literally fighting a battle in my mind, my body.

When will all my sufferings end?

No one will know what I am talking about. Only Myself and God knows....

I just feel so Tired of everything. My Pain is Just too real....

Sometimes I feel so fearful of life, of myself, of each single day.

Truly you can't always see the Pain someone is going through. Half of my life, I've battled and struggled my way through.

I feel so alone in the midst of everything. All the Pain Im going through, I don't know when it will ever end....

I just hope God will Heal me. All these years without Him, I wouldn't even have survived till today...

Pastor said before that we are the most vulnerable to the devil when we are ALONE.

And This is very very True.......

I must admit Im a very independant and strong girl. Tho Im living with my family now, its no difference to living alone.

Its like Im staying alone now, all alone in my own world.

But why does it have to be me? Why do I have to go through all these Pain by myself.....

I can't tell anyone or talk to anyone about it. Its just too shameful... No one will ever understand my Pain.

I don't know why must my life be so painful. Why must I be so different from others? How I wish I can just be normal and happy again...

The past 8 years of sufferings are really enough. I can't take it any longer. Emotionally, mentally, physically, the Pain is really killing me...

Its a miracle Im still surviving today. Truly what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.

But Im afraid I won't be able to last that long. Because I'm slowly losing the hope, and the strength to fight on.

Sometimes I just wonder... God, where are You in my times of Tribulations? Why must I be the one who have to go through all these......

I just hope, and pray that God will hear my silent cries. Because I really need Him to bring Healing and do a miracle in my life. †

Sunday

2008-04-12T23:35:00.005+08:00

Today service was very very good.... but Wes left halfway! Wasted... he never listen to sermon.... it was very good! The sermon was about having a strong Prayer life...and having spiritual Hunger and Thirst... Truly, the secret to Power is Prayer!! + + +
I felt that the presence of God was very very strong... God's presence Touched me to Tears, and I felt lifted of all my burdens... =)
Pst kong demonstrated to us how he does his quiet time.... he began to play the guitar and sang a worship song... and my idol Annabelle Soh also sang along with him....So Touching.... + + +

Pst kong is really so spiritual and loves God alot. He has been on so many mission trips in the past 2 weeks, preached 28 times in 10 days, but yet still does his best to preach the word....

Wow... he is a Truly amazing anointed Man of God!! I look up to him alot! =)

My Desire is really to seek the face of God more, have a strong Prayer life, and be a strong PRAYER WARRIOR!! + + +

After svc, went for bible study.. Then went to Bugis to meet Wes... Everything is ok le... I may feel sad sometimes, but ultimately I believe things are gonna be ok... because I have Faith in God!! =)

After that, we went home... Sigh next Mon and Thur I have exams!! Sigh God bless me... + + +

Dear I love you... Take good care... <3

2008-04-12T02:04:00.007+08:00
What u promised me at the start... its all so different now.
Must Love be such a Painful thing?
I don't want to come to a conclusion that all guys are the same.

Will history ever repeat?
I dunno. And Im scared.

If it does, this Time my world will totally Fall apart.
Because I really Love you.
Yes, when ur frens need you, u'll always be there.

But where were you when I needed you?
I always knew, Love is Never a Fairytale.

*** At the beginning, You said u'll never hurt me. You promised me u'll never leave me.
And I hope what you said is True. And I hope you'll keep to your Promise.

sad...

2008-04-06T16:09:00.008+08:00

Today is sunday... Im all alone at home... chiong-ing projects and assignments... sigh... Today is Pst Zhuang's birthday too! My Pastor whom I respect alot alot... Happy birthday Pst Zhuang! =)
I still feel very sad.... dunno why... Probably is cuz of what happened yesterday...
It was the first time I lost my temper at Wes and shouted at him on the phone.. and he shouted back at me EVEN louder. lols.
Its a long story actually.... don wanna elaborate much... but just that Wes was not happy that I talked to Tomi... and nicole say I got 'distracted' by him during cg... which I didn't AT ALL....

So it was a misunderstanding.... and we didn't really talk to each other after Nicole talked to us on the train.

Then during service, Wes smsed me... say he won't care about me anymore. Everytime also never listen to him, he can't be bothered anymore, etc etc.

So I replied back that I didn't do anything wrong and I dunno why he's angry... my conscience is clear etc etc.

Can you imagine? We were sitting next to each other and were smsing each other. lols.

After Wes sms me, I completely no mood already. I was very sad... the way he sms me is like he wanted to break up...

Straight after service, he walked away angrily. Then I went to clarify with Nicole that I did not get distracted by Tomi during cg at all. Then she ask me to explain to Wes.... I didn't go for bible study... cuz I really no mood le.

So I called him... but he hung up on me twice. On the 3rd call, I was very angry and I shouted at him... then he shout back EVEN louder... ask me where I am he's coming to find me...

I really thought he's going to hit me or something when I went to find him... lols... but never.... then he wanted to go find Tomi.....

Sigh... luckily Wes never beat Tomi up... he was like fuming lor... we went to a corner and talked things out for quite a while....

Sigh... To me, Tomi's just a friend... but Wes say he don like me talking to him.... its cuz he MIA from church very long... then yesterday he first time came back... so I talked to him....

But what Im sad about is not cuz Wes wanted to beat Tomi up, or he lost his temper... its cuz its like he don trust me... and the way he smsed me during svc its like he wants to break up with me....

And it was the first time he shout at me and scold me so fiercely... Scold me why I always don listen to him and talk to other guys etc.....

I held back my Tears only lor... Im a strong girl...

Soon things calmed down... and me and Wes went off.... but we still didn't really talk. Then Wes met up with his friend for dinner.... I was quite Emo la so didn't talk much to him....

Then Wes typed out a msg on his phone asking me when am I going to leave him.... crazy... I won ever leave you kae.... is I scared you leave me instead....

Dear, last time whatever verbal and physical abuse I've gone through them all.... and its much much worse de....

Yesterday to me its nothing.... Im just sad cuz I think I love you too much le.... thats why when u scolded me I felt very hurt....

But today Im ok le... I Just feel sad but much better le... I love you alot kae dear... Im very scared one day u will leave me.... of cos I hope this won't happen....

And its been very long since I went out with Wes le... only went to his house to accompany him.... cuz too busy with schoolwork and Wes injured his leg in the past week....

But its ok.... Dear as long as I can spend time with you Im happy already.....

Dear... I miss you and I love you.... <3

**** You told me you'll never hurt me. You promised me you'll never leave me, and would never want to see me cry. <3

Explosive Sentosa!! <3

2008-03-31T22:53:00.006+08:00

Yesterday went to Sentosa for Explosive Sentosa!! =) It was very fun... all the Tertiary cgs in WYZ zone gathered for this event...

Met Wes at Vivo city then we took monorail to Sentosa... then stopped at Palawan Beach. When we were walking to Palawan Beach, it started to rain...

Lols... I quickly use towel to cover my head. Then we went to the shelter first and play games with our cg.... soon the rain stopped and we can play games again... Yay! =)

The games were very fun... There were 10 stations in total... the sun was like so hot but dunno why I can't seem to get tanned! =(

Sigh.... But Im also very sad.... cuz Wes got injured at a station... the "Bishi Bashi" station... sigh he stepped on a nail.... I feel so pain for him....

Sigh dunno why he always get injured one. Then for the rest of the games he was like limping but he still continued playing and running.... sigh....

At the end, both Teams in our cg won a prize!! Our Team won the "Most Encouraging Team" award and the other Team from our cg won overall 3rd prize and got Ben and Jerry vouchers.... Well done N402!! =)

After that, I went to bathe... Then our cg went to Vivo City for dinner... Then after that me and Wes went to walk ard... he bought a cute doggie Toy for me. SooOo cute! Thanks dear dear... <3

Then after that, we took cab home... cuz Wes can't really walk.... Sigh I see him limping and in pain my heart really very very Pain... Haiz... Dear I hope you get well soon.... I see you like that I feel very sad.... =(

I miss my dear dear.... last week only meet him 2 times.... cuz I've been very busy with school.... sigh so stressed....

Today Wes went to see doc to get a jab for his leg.... Sigh I hope the wound recovers soon....

And Today.... when I was getting ready to go school, my sis call me say the cat outside our house die already.... I got a shock.... So sad... Poor Tabby....

Tabby is actually a stray cat but she always comes to our house because we always feed her food... we used to have 2 cats, Summer and Tabby...

Summer is our precious cute baby cat that stays in our hse and Tabby is the stray cat that stays outside our doorstep.... But now... Tabby die already.... Dunno why suddenly die... so poor thing....

But actually since last time she was already very sickly.... always coughing and sneezing.... but I think it was because of us who always feed her thats why she still survived....

But now she's gone.... So sad la.... Haiz... her limp body was outside our hse... so scary... Poor Tabby rest in peace.... + + +

My dad so brave.... he disposed the dead Tabby's body when he came home.... Lol I don't even dare to look at it... Now our hse only got summer left.... hope my baby summer cat will stay healthy...

Sigh Tmr still got school.... VERY VERY STRESSED..... So little time, but so much work!!! God, pls help me to Endure the last 3 weeks of school... + + +

I think I'll miss school after I graduate... but I won't miss the schoolwork... Hahas....

Dear.... I Miss you very very much... Im very sad you got injured... Haiz... Get well soon kae... Love you loads. <3

Easter Finale!! =)

2008-03-23T18:42:00.009+08:00

Today went for Easter Finale svc at Expo... Jamie brought 7 friends!! Power sia... lols... all her frens still so young and cute...Hahas...

The drama titled 'I-Ming" at Expo was very very very Touching and nice.... even nicer than the drama at Jurong West....

The drama is about an invention which can allow one to go back to his/her past.... but you cannot change the past... only can relive the memories and replay the scenes of the past....

So sad... It reminded me of my Past lor... If only I can go back to my past, it'll be so good.... Though it is a Painful and sad one....

The drama team acted very well.... and my idol is acting inside too!! Andrea is so pretty and talented.... can act, sing and dance... I like her alot... =)

The drama is abt a guy who cannot forget about his Past... he couldn't forgive the girl who had hurt him... and thus he was full of hatred and bitterness.... Till one day he met Jesus... and his whole life was turned around...

He went back to the time of Jesus... and saw how Jesus died on the cross for mankind.... how Jesus forgave us for our sins... and Jesus also spoke to him to forgive the girl he love and release all his hurts to God...

The ending was the most Touching.... That I cried... In the end the guy forgave the girl (Andrea) who had hurt him in the past... but he still love her alot... and in the end They were together again....

The moral of the story is... To let go of the past, don't let the past haunt us... because it is a Painful thing... We must let go of any unforgiveness ... only then we will experience the full blessings of God in our lives...

In the end, the guy came up with a new invention instead... called I-Vision... which enables one to look into the future instead and Envision themselves to be what they can be to their Fullest Potential...

This drama is very sad and also very meaningful... It reminds me of my Past... which I have not fully let go of....

My Past has shaped me to be what I am today. Though My Past is a dark and Painful one, it had made me a stronger person. And I will never choose to change anything about it.

I Believe, and I hope, My Future will be filled with God's Glory. For The greater the Fall, The Greater the Glory. <3

Thoughts

2008-03-23T18:42:00.005+08:00

God, You know My every Thought, my every struggle. You know what I am going Through...
You carried me through My Darkest Moments..... When Im Faithless, You are Always Faithful to Me.
Sometimes, I Just feel like giving up. I just feel so lousy about myself. I hate myself. Everything I do, its not good enough. Everyone else is always better, smarter, Prettier, Thinner than Me.
Sometimes I Just put on a strong Front even though my Heart is so burdened. The world inside of Me, Truely, No one can ever see...
I know this is My bout of Low self Esteem acting up. Sometimes it takes alot alot of strength to Fight these Negative Thoughts.
But I know My God is Greater than the devil in My Life... Even if everyone else leaves me, God will never Leave nor Forsake Me...
God has created Me in His very own Image. I am Beautiful in His eyes.
I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made. <3

God is able to Heal Me. God will Heal Me and set me Free completely one day.

God will see me Through Every storm and suffering in My Life.

With God, I can do more than Just survive. I can really Live.

I am a winner in Christ. I am the Head and not the Tail, Above and not beneath.

God has a Great Destiny for My Life. <3

God will give me the Power and the strength to accomplish the Impossible.

I can Do Great works for the Kingdom of God. + +

I can do ALL Things through Christ who strengthens Me. <3

I will grow from glory to Glory, strength to Strength.

I am an OVERCOMER, and Im MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!! <3

"For God knows the Thoughts He think towards Me, Thoughts of Hope and not of evil, to give me a Future and a Hope."

*** Dear, I hope The Future will be better with you by my side... You gave me Hope and a reason to Live on. I hope we will Last Long, and Forever. Love you.... <3

Easter!! <33

2008-03-23T01:12:00.005+08:00

Its Easter!! <33 Sigh so sad... I didn't bring frens for Easter svc.... Not I don't want lor... I have my reasons... Wat to do... I don't have much Frens de... Sigh.. Pathetic rite... =(

Haiz... I already tried my best to invite Wes's frens for Easter svc... but They all last minute don want to come.... Sigh so disappointed. =(

Its ok, Never say die. And Never Give up...God can still use me to do Great works for Him! + + +

Today went to JW church for svc for the 2nd time... sat at 1st row of slope... so it was rather near to the stage...

The Anointing was very strong... Tho I watched the drama for the 2nd time, but I'll never get bored of it... and it was so Touching and sad that I cried... especially when Jesus was being whipped and beaten and crucified....

Our cg also had some new friends... and I talked to them... but towards the end of the svc they all suddenly left... so disappointing lor.... Haiz....

Then our cg went to coffeeshop opposite church to eat.... and while walking there, my sandals broke.... so sway... lols... Then sara went to buy for me a new pair while I waited under the shelter from the rain... Thanks sara!! =)

Hahas... and while waiting, I saw my ex-CGL Beeleng with her cg... she came forward to talk to me.... I Miss her so much!!

Just now Nicole passed me a book Beeleng bought for me from Expo Attributes booksale.... Its titled "Hope, Help and Healing for Eating disorders"... so Touched.... She actually Thought of me....Thanks so much Beeleng... <3

Thinking back, Last time Cindy also gave me a book on Eating disorders before... so Touched lor... cuz these books really know what sufferers are going through.... Sigh miss Cindy alot also.... =(

Then, I went to meet Wes after that... met him at sembawang first then went to Orchard. Wes ate dinner first, then we went to buy movie tickets... But the tickets for " Sky of Love" was all sold out!! Haiz.... so sad.... I've been wanting to watch that movie for very long le.... =(

So no choice, we didn't watch movie... So we went back home... we alighted at Yio Chu kang then Wes walked me back home... as it as still early, we went to a playground in my estate and sat down...Sat there and Talked, listened music till 11 plus pm then went home...

Sorry dear if I made u angry... Sigh... I have my own struggles too... I love u alot alot kae... even Tho I don't do some things you want me to... Sorry la... you also must quit all ur bad habits can... Very bad for health.... Haiz...

And dear dear u bite my thumb so pain sia.. sob sob... but Im not scared one la... Im not scared of Pain de... Hahas.... After that Wes walked me back home... I miss you alot dear dear... Tmr u still go work... Love you loads.. <33

I love you dear

2008-03-20T01:10:00.008+08:00

WES= My Boyfriend, My companion, My soulmate, My dear dear, My stead, My hero, My Prince, My listener, My motivator, My pillar of strength, My Guardian Angel, My closest mate, My LoVe. <33

We love to share our problems, share about our Past, Have heart to heart talks, Spend quality time Together, Be there for each other, Have Fun together, Watch movies, Kiss, Express our Love, crack Jokes, Tease each other, Make each other happy, Go shopping, Talk about Anything and Everything under the sun, Laugh and Talk nonsense, Have pillow Fights, Play wrestling, Hit each other for fun, Play Boxing- and I always lose. =D

Its the way you say I love you
And the way You hold my hand
Theres Just so much about you...
I completely understand.
I Love you Always dear dear. <33

STRESS!!!!!!!!

2008-03-19T00:11:00.003+08:00

Sigh... sTresS strESs StreSs..... So much work to do... I never seem to be able to finish my work...

cuz Assignments and Projects are Neverending!!!!! ....

Really can die..... Haiz....

I can't take it anymore.... My brain gonna explode liao..... LoLs....

Haiz.... God pls pls give me the strength and wisdom I need so much.... + + +

Btw... Easter is coming!! <33.... and I miss you dear dear!! =( *TEARS* * sob sob*

disaster hair...lols

2008-03-13T23:31:00.005+08:00

Yesterday was Wes's last day of school... lols he was damn happy... Then I helped him bleached his hair... To dark blonde colour.... he looks more 'Beng' now... =.= .... Lols...

The remaining mixture I went to dye my hair for fun.... oh man in the end my hair become golden blonde colour!! Almost the colour of yellow..... Shit.... lols.... My hair is a DISASTER man... look like Ah lian now.... =.=

Last time even worse... I bleached my hair till blonde yellow color before.... and everywhere I go, I surely stand out of the crowd because of my hair.... =.=

Haiz... I want to dye my hair back to darker shades also cannot.... cuz dye too much in a short time will damage the hair... and my hair is already damaged enough. =X

Haiz..... I hope when I go back to school tomorrow, pple will not keep looking at me.... But my friend sure say I look very 'Lian' one..... =.= ... HAIZ....

Anyway... yesterday Wes lost his wallet in sembawang... we were sitting under the void deck... Then only when we walked back to the MRT then he realised that his wallet was gone... and when we ran back to look for it... it was already gone....

His wallet contains his I/C which will cost him $300 if he makes a new one cuz he lost his I/C before 2 times already.... Wes was v angry and disappointed also.... I accompanied him to the police station to make a report on the loss of his wallet....

And also.... on the way back, I asked him to pray that someone will return his wallet.... and somehow I just feel that he will get his wallet back... but Wes don't believe me..... =.=

He said that based on his past experiences, no one has returned his I/C to him before.... of cos he was very disappointed.... but I can't do anything except to pray and hope someone returns his wallet to him....

************************************************************

Today morning, Wes's mum msged me... and told me that Wes's wallet has been found!! Hahas.... God really answers Prayers.... and told you I have sixth sense.... Really lor... somehow I just have the feeling that his wallet will be returned to him.... and it really did! Hahas... =)

So Wes don't need to waste $300 making a new I/C again... all Thanks to my Prayers.... Hahas DEAR you can spend the money on movies and buying Pooh bears for me le kae..... lols kidding la..... =)

In the evening, we went to watch movie at AMK hub... "The Spiderwick Chronicles"... it is a very nice show... so cool... if only I can live in a world of adventure and Fantasy too... =)

After the movie, Wes met up with some of his friends... then after that went home le... Tmr still got school... so Tired already... Dear dear I miss you... <33

God pls help me to be skinny again.... pls....

2008-03-07T22:53:00.004+08:00

Sometimes... I just get so tired of Life.... Everyday is work and only more work... Just when I have finished an assignment, more assignments pile up....

Sigh but I have no complaints.... I have no choice but to Endure.... 2 more months left to the end of the semester.... sigh Time really flies....

Being busy is good in a way.... it helps to numb all my emotions.... helps me to forget my hurts and problems temporarily.... helps me to forget the emptiness and loneliness Im feeling inside...

And I just keep myself busy till its late at night, sleep, and its a new day again.... seriously, sometimes I don't feel like waking up..... because Reality Hurts. Really, Life is Beautiful only when you learn to Love Pain. <3

********************************************************************

Today... I saw an anorexic girl in my school.... by the way, so far I've already seen quite a number in my school... Whenever I see them, I can't help but feel so sad.... I will be literally crying inside....

And the one I saw today reminds me of myself in the past.... which is not very long ago... abt 1 and a half years ago....

She is so skinny... Just like a walking skeleton. And her face looks so depressed.... and a girl was holding her hands and praying for her. This sight really reminds me of my PasT .... last time my CGL used to pray for me quite often also...

I could really feel her pain.... I only can hope.... that she will recover one day... I don't even know how I recovered.... seriously I don't know why I even recovered when I didn't want to at all... I can only say.... its God that Healed me.... and I hope one day she will be healed too...

When I was in year 2, I saw that same anorexic girl before.... and at that time, I was even skinnier than her. I can't imagine.... she is so emaciated now already but I was even worse last time. That time when I saw her.... I thought to myself... "She's my kind."

But now..... I'm not 'her kind' anymore.... sometimes I hate myself for losing the willpower I once had.... But now I realise.... I want to be Thin....not anorexic.... because its really not attractive at all.... and it nearly cost me my life....

But sometimes anorexia is not all about food and weight only. Its about self-control and discipline..... and I really want to have that again. I MUST have Control and Discipline again.... + + + +

Haiz tomorrow is Saturday. But I still need to go school..... sigh I'll be missing out on my Beauty sleep.... So much work to do but so little time.... sigh how I wish I can just have time to slack and relax man....

Lols... seriously Im not the 'study type' of girl......lols.... Im going to sleep soon.... It's a long day again ahead of me Tomorrow....

AND.... I miss you dear... <33 :(

* I MUST have CONTROL and DISCIPLINE again. I MUST. <3

lonely gal

2008-03-02T16:53:00.009+08:00

Don't ever Judge a person by her looks... She may smile and laugh, but u'll never really know how she is feeling inside.

I smile to hide the Pain, But it'll only lasts a moment. The Pain will still be there.

If TEARS will make me pretty, then I'd be the PRETTIEST girl.

You'll never know all the times I felt so alone, in mY own world... I wonder... will I even have a Future?... My Future looks so bleak.... No matter how smart I am... I am still trapped in my struggles, and I'll never be truly happy.....

Maybe if one day something bad happens to me, my parents will care again. Maybe then I will get the attention I need. Maybe.

You'll never know how it feels to come home everyday, To feel so alone and unloved. It really Hurts....

There's a girl in my mirror,
Shes crying Tonight,
And nothing I can do,
Will make her alright.

One of the worst feelings in the world is Loneliness.

Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night crying. Nobody will ever know what's going on with you.

How could anybody realize what's happening?

Everybody is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.

But for me, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously. And before I know it, they are all gone.

Everyday I smile and act like nothing's wrong... Its called putting everything aside and being strong.

Music and God is my only companion when I'm alone... A song can reach into the hidden corners of my mind and Heart and Touch my soul...

Music is an expression of My feelings. And The beautiful thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no Pain.....

To my dear dear:

You are the best thing that have ever happened to Me.... When I'm with you, I am happy.... But whenever we part, I'll start to miss you.... How I wish we never have to say Goodbye. I may not see you everyday, but you have never left my heart and mind... I Love you always... <33

******************************************************************

Sigh.... Tmr school starts again... 1 week semester break flies so fast... Haiz... I feel like giving up... I can't catch up with my schoolwork... and I got no one to ask for help... somemore this semester all the modules I take so damn difficult.... sigh... can die man... so stressed... I Feel like dying.... Haiz... =(
Its my last semester already... all these years God have brought me through all my Trials and sufferings... and I believe He will see Me Through...
God pls guide me, and lead me through all my difficult times..... I know I can do it... because I have Fortitude...

I pray for God to give me the wisdom to Fight the challenges of Tommorow, and the Strength to Endure the storms of the days ahead.... + + + + + +

FIR!!!!!

2008-03-02T00:46:00.005+08:00

Today service was great man.... F.I.R came to City Harvest Church!!! They are so cool.... I love all their songs.... and the best thing is that they have recently received Christ and are really shining for God in the entertainment industry!!

I am so happy for them.... and so proud of them too!! Since F.I.R stepped into the entertainment industry years back, I already fell in love with their songs.... and everytime when I go KBOX, I sure sing their songs..... Hahas....

But now I like them even more... cuz F.I.R is so cool and hip and their songs are so Touching.... I wanna buY their cd.... Hahas.... F.I.R is my idol... and My *Inspiration*!!..... so Talented, so on Fire for Christ, and at the same time, Impacting souls in the Entertainment world.... <33

2008-02-25T18:48:00.002+08:00

I don expect you to change anything. I love you just the way you are.

I know you can't change your past, but you can create your Future.....

I don't really know what else to say.... I guess you have misuderstood me... Im sorry if u can't really understand me.

Its ok.... Im already used to being alone. And Im already very tired of Heartbreaks.

I Just want to say... I still love you, and my love for you will not ever change .... <3

sad

2008-02-25T13:01:00.004+08:00

Truely one day in Your courts is better than a thousand days elsewhere...

The void in My Heart... only God can fill it. No one else can...

Everytime whenever I think about My Past, all that I have gone through, Tears just can't stop flowing....

God, You know all the struggles I am still going through now... I pray that Your Light will fill even the Darkest parts of My soul...

As I spend time with God and listen to christian music, The music often helps to hide the sound of my cries....

Every day, as I lie in the silence of the darkness, I will feel so so ALONE.

I am not very close to my parents, I have very few friends, sometimes I will Just feel so alone and Lost...

But I thank God He is always with Me... everytime I am faithless, He is always Faithful to Me, He is the one who gives me strength to Fight on each day....

God, You have created me in Your own image, I am wonderfully and Fearfully made.... Pls give Me the strength and confidence I need....

Everyone else may have forsaken Me, but God will never Forsake Me.... The emptiness and void in my heart, Tells me that God should always be in the centre of my Life.....

All my silent Tears, my deepest Fears and my Darkest secret, Only God sees it all... The last thing I ever want is to lose Your presence....

God, I really need more and more of You... Nothing else matters, Just to be in our presence...

Every Tear that I've shed, Tells of a Painful story... God, pls help me to be strong.... I'll wait on You, For Your Touch Anew....

And... I love him so much... I hope he'll never Hurt me... but I've always knew right from the start, Love was never a Fairytale, it was never a bed of roses.

Beautiful Pics

2008-02-20T22:16:00.008+08:00

Behind every Beautiful thing lies some kind of Pain. <3 So much Pain, but still BeautifuL.<3 Its a wonder how There's so much Beauty in Pain.<3

icons

2008-02-19T18:34:00.005+08:00

2008-02-18T18:06:00.006+08:00

Today I had no school... This week is E-learning week... and all CNM lessons are conducted via either webcasts or podcasts... so no face to face lectures in school... Haiz so boring to stay alone at home.... =.=....

Somemore I really lagging behind in my schoolwork... Oh man dunno wat to do.... Can't ask anyone for help also..... Sigh.... God pls pls help me... + + +

Yesterday went for make up cg with my sis.... The presence of God was really strong... I dunno why but yea... I had never felt this way for a long time. So happy to see Cindy also... I miss her lor!!

After cg we celebrated Cindy's birthday.... Then we went to Crystal Jade restaurant... my sis went to buy birthday cake and we sang Birthday song for her there....

Sigh... Wes didn't go for make-up cg today.... called him so many times he didn't answer.... he was still sleeping... lol but somehow I just know he will oversleep.... After cg I called him... he was sort of in a bad mood....

After hearing the way he talked to me on the phone and his smses, I Emo le.... sigh... Sorry dear I can't help you feel better or cheer you up... I feel so useless...

After that I went to Tiong Bahru Plaza with Cindy.... since Im not meeting Wes so I watched movie with her and a few of her cg members... We watched "Death Note 3"... it was a nice show... after the movie Cindy fetched me to City hall mrt then she went off...

Happy Birthday Cindy!! Love you loads... <33

After that I went to my Auntie's hse.... ate dinner, watch tv, talk to my cousins... I used to be very close to my cousins de... now we've all grown up and lead our own lives....

Sigh I really miss my childhood days... when I was so happy and carefree.... where there is only play and fun and no worries at all....

But in my Growing up years things started to change.... I saw the world in a different view... I learnt what Pain and Hurt felt like.... I saw how death looks like... Sigh I guess this is Just Life....

Then At 11 plus pm, I went home... so tired...

*******************************************************************

Dear... I dunno what is bothering you yesterday.... Im sorry I couldn't help you... I Just want you to know I'll always be here for you....

Those words that you said really hurt Me... At that moment, My heart Just broke... Maybe I am too sensitive, but I guess I love you too much I can't afford to lose you.....

Im very sad That sometimes, you are Just not there for me when I need you... during the Times I feel sad or alone, sometimes you are not by my side...

But I understand completely you need your own space...

I understand you want and need to be alone at times.... I'm sorry... I dunno wat to say but I respect whatever you want to do....

I may miss you alot... but I guess I have to learn to be stronger and more independent...

I'll always remember this quote: " We may be far in distance, but never in our Hearts, for Distance never separates two Hearts that really cares, and our Memories span the miles..."

Even Though you are not always by my side, But you will Always be in my Heart... <33

I've never said I wanted to break up with you... I dunno wat you are thinking.. but I will Never Ever break up with you...

The reason I didn't how to answer when Cindy asked me whether I think our relationship will last long is cuz I don't know if you will leave me anot....

Of coz, its my Wish and my Heart's Desire that we will both last long, and Forever....

If Till now u still don't know how much I love you.... I really dunno what to say... I've already given up many things for you...

Im not the type of girl who will just do anything for a guy.... The reason I did is cuz I love you... Don you understand..... Sigh....

I know without me, you still can survive. I know you don't need me to survive... You are a man, but I am a girl. I may survive, but all the Hurts and Heartbreaks will leave a deep and permanent scar in me Forever, Till the day I die.

I don't know what else to say le... but I Just want to tell you that I will always be Faithful to you, Just like how Im Faithful to God.

I still love you no matter what.... and I hope u'll know, My feelings for you will never change. And I hope its the same for you too.

Tomorrow is your Birthday... Happy Birthday Dear... I love you loads. <33

Happy Valentine's day! <33

2008-02-14T22:20:00.004+08:00

Have not been blogging for almost a week le... have been rather busy... schoolwork is piling up like crazy... and I realise I can't really catch up with my schoolwork... sigh God help me....
Anyway today is Valentine's day! Wes, Happy Valentine's day to u dear... Love you loads with all my heart... <33

Today I met Wes at AMK hub in the afternoon... and he gave me a bouquet of blue roses... and it was a very big one... sooo sweet lol.... and everywhere I go, pple kept looking at me and at the roses... -.- so embarassing... hahas... Thanks dear for the roses... <33

Wes also bought couple rings for each of us... The ring is very nice and it has both our names and our anniversary date carved on them...

This symbol of our love and bond, I'll always cherish it in my heart and soul... <33

After that we went to watch a movie called "Jumper"... it was a very nice and cool show... then after that accompanied Wes to eat... at abt 6 plus pm, Wes had to go off first.... cuz he had to go to a friend's funeral...

Dear, I feel very sorry for your friend.... I hope you don't feel too sad kae... I dunno what to say... but I just want to tell you that I love you and I will never leave you... Through Thick and Thin, Through sorrow and Joy, I'll always be here with and for you.... <33

This month of Feb is a month of many special occasions... first is Chinese New Year, then Valentine's day which is Today... then on 19 Feb will be Cindy's and Wes's birthday!!

Two of the most special people in my heart's birthday falls on the same day.... It's just so amazingly coincidental....

Cindy and Wes are the two people whom I treasure so much.... God sent them to me in different seasons of my life to leave footprints in my heart....

Wes, I love you. You'll have my heart Forever. <33

Chinese New yr Eve

2008-02-06T19:45:00.000+08:00

Today is Chinese New year Eve... Im supposed to feel happy... but I don't... I used to be very excited when I was young during CNY... But now its so different...

I don't even know what I'm feeling... My feelings are all mixed emotions... I feel Lonely, sad, unloved, Lost all at the same time.... Sigh... I don't look forward to CNY anymore...

Its supposed to be a time of reunion with my family... but so many things have happened all these years... I guess its very hard to reconcile again. I may feel very alone... but I have already gotten used to it... In other words, I have already given up....

A Home is like Heaven to one's soul... but I don't have one... What I want is a home, not a house.... I don't blame my family entirely... I guess it take both hands to clap.....

Does anyone know all the nights when I cried myself to sleep? Sigh....

While everyone is having their reunion dinner on Chinese New Year Eve, Im all alone in my own room.... I only can hope things will get better soon.

***************************************************************

Yesterday I went out with Wes... I went with him to meet his sec sch friends for dinner at Newton food centre...

Then after that sat his fren's car to Geylang... LoL... It was an interesting experience for me.... but we didn't get down the car.... it was sort of a car ride through Geylang...

Hahas... Then we went to a place where pple go there to 'smoke'... lol... its not really smoking but its a very long and nice tube for pple to smoke... I tried.... so smelly lor... lol... and I ended up coughing. Hahas but it was quite fun....

And there was a corner for us where we can lie down and smoke... Wes kept smoking... -.- ....... LoL..... Dear don't make it a habit kae... By that time was already 11 plus pm close to midnight... I was so sleepy liao... lol...

While Wes and his frens 'smoked', chit chat and play board games, I lay down on the mat to sleep.... o.O

I slept very soundly... lol... until Wes wake me up that time I tot I was dreaming.... o.O... lol...

Hahas then Wes's fren fetched us home... by the time I reached home it was already 2am... luckily no school Tmr...

But then my house door was locked le.... Shucks... and I kept calling my sister 10 over times she nvr pick up.... call my house also no one pick up... lol all of them sleeping le....

Shit so sway I slept at my house carporch.... But I couldn't sleep at all cuz there was alot of mosquitoes....

Wa lao so sway... I was v tired le... then I prayed to God... I prayed that my sister will wake up and look at her handphone... then I called my house one more time....

After a while my sis came down to open the door for me! Oh man... God really answers my prayers.... <3

She said she heard the house phone kept ringing then woke up.... Thank God man... if not I'll be stuck outside till morning.....

By the time I entered the house was 5 plus am le.... so sleepy... Then I still did my schoolwork... slept at 6 plus am... * Yawn *...

And I woke up late in the morning lol.... I took cab all the way to school just to hand up my assignment.... Then after that went to Vivo City a while then go home...

Today is Chinese New year eve.... Just now my family had reunion dinner downstairs without me.... Sigh its ok.... even if my parents don't take me as their child, one thing I know for sure I'm always a child of God... and He will never forsake me even if everyone else does..... + + +

Dear.... I miss you... Have fun during Chinese New Year kae.... Thanks for letting me know u'll never leave me too.... Love you loads. <33

Breathless lyrics

2008-01-31T12:44:00.000+08:00

I Love this song ♥... Its about a Man's Love for a girl.... A love so True, so Strong, so Romantic...♥

****************************************************

If our Love was a Fairy tale

I would charge in and rescue you

On a yacht Baby we would sail

To an island where we'd say I do

And if we had babies They would look like you

It'd be so Beautiful if that came True

You don't even know how very special you are

Chorus You leave me Breathless

You're everything good in my Life

You leave me Breathless

I still can't believe That you're Mine

You Just walked out of one of my Dreams

So Beautiful you're leaving me Breathless

And if our Love was a story book

We would meet on the very first page

The last chapter would be about

How I'm Thankful for the Life we've made

And if we had babies they would have your eyes

I would fall deeper watching you give Life

You don't even know how very special you are

Chorus You leave me breathless

You're everything good in my Life

You leave me breathless

I still can't believe that you're mine

You Just walked out of one of my Dreams

So Beautiful you're leaving me Breathless

You must have been sent from Heaven to earth to change me

You're like an Angel

The thing that I feel is stronger than Love believe me

You're something special

I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me

But all I can do is try

Every day of my life

unloved....

2008-01-26T21:21:00.000+08:00

I feel so sad, so alone. All alone in a big house... darkness surrounds me...

Don't my family care for me at all?.... This emptiness is killing me....

Early in the morning when I wake up, no one is at home already. My sister went out. I msged her and she told me my parents went out early in the morning.... Today I didn't go out with Wes...

So many Tears I cried, when Im all alone.... Now is at night already. And no one is back home. Although I have not been talking to my family for 1 month plus, but their presence is better than nothing....

I msged my sis to ask her where she is... then she tell me my parents not coming back tonight.... and she is staying overnight at a fren's house!!

Oh man... Leave me all alone at home.... My sis never even tell me only after I msged and ask her!!!

Im scared to be alone lor.... so Freaky and Lonely.... Sigh I feel so sad now.... all alone at home..... I Just feel that No one cares at all.

Dear... I miss you... <3

My Beautiful Tragedy-- describes me Perfectly. <3

my secret
2008-01-26T17:28:00.000+08:00

This Mask I wear, she serves me well.
She hides my pain, so They can't tell.
They see her smile, never my Tears,
She shows no sorrow, she Fights all my fears.
They believe she is Me, if only They knew,
That she is my mask, my secret too.
My scars she hides, behind Laughter and Lies,
She say's she is fine, but slowly she dies.....
I Hate being Alone. I Hate feeling Alone.
I JUST HATE IT.
No one will ever be able to fully understand what I am going through.
All my struggles and all my Pain,
All my Tears and Fears,
Only God sees it in the secret place.
If only its that easy, I will be healed a long time ago.
But why am I still suffering now?.....
Just because I don't let you see me cry, it doesn't mean I don't.
How I wish I can be normal and Happy again...
Im so sorry dear... <33

lonely world of mine

2008-01-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

There's a world inside of me,
That you can never see.
A world of Loneliness, secrets, Pain, fears and Tears.
Somewhere in this darkness,
There's a light I can't find....
And Im still Fighting to walk towards the light.
All the times when I feel so alone,
Sometimes all I need is someone to be there for me.
Sometimes all I need is a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold.....
****************************************************************
Wes <3:
Ever since you stepped into my life,
You gave my life hope.....
Thinking of you Just brings Tears to my eyes....
Without you, I really can't imagine how life would be like.
I'll be all alone in my world of darkness,
struggling through life... and going through each day aimlessly.
All that I've gone through and am going through now,
All the Pain, all my Hurts,
I'll be able to fight back those tears with your presence...
You give me a little more hope each day...
Even if my whole world falls apart,
Love will see us through.....
This is the Power of Love. <3
Dear, I hope u won ever leave me....
I love you... <3
******************************************************************

My family has not been talking to me for 1 month plus.... do you know how I feel? Everytime I go out with Wes, I feel happy... but everytime when I go home, I'm all alone.... sigh....

I don't feel loved at all by my parents.... sometimes I really envy those pple who have a very good relationship with their parents....

But its ok... all these years, I've already gotten used to being alone and neglected.....

I don't blame them.... I just feel very sad....sigh.

Everyday once I reach home, I'll just go up to my room, and stay in my room all the time in the darkness with just a dim light on....

And I never talk to anyone in my family at all.... sometimes I just feel very sad that things turn out this way.... Sigh...

Everytime Wes is not by my side, I feel so lonely.... Sigh I miss you dear... Besides God, you are the reason that I continue to fight on in life....

I still have struggles everyday, which you can't see.... but life has to go on, no matter how painful it is...

Dear... I know you are now training very hard for ur NS... I'll support you in everything that you do no matter wat.... ur strong spirit has touched me to be a stronger person.... I just hope u don't push yourself too hard.....

I love you dear..... with all my heart. <3

Fun day =)

2008-01-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

23th Jan 2008- Wed

Today i had no school.... every Wed is my free day... yay can sleep in le... hahas...

In the evening I met Wes to go swimming.... at first I didn't want to go de... cuz very long never swim le.... but he insisted on me going with him!!

LoL... Wes is such an exercise freak... so fit le still everytime exercise without fail.... Wes going NS soon le.... thats why he wants to train harder to be in 'top form'.... he got selected for NDU.... to be a diver...thats why he wants to go swimming to train up....

At first he wanted to sign on commando de... but he heard that diver is more tough.... so he chose diver instead....

Sigh... Dear... I'll miss you alot alot when you go NS... don be so competitive can... you are already the best.... <3

Its been ages since I last swam... I think the last time I went swimming was like 5 years ago lor.... when I was young I went swimming alot... but as I grew up then more busy le...

Wes bought swimming costume for me.... then we went to yishun swimming complex... the water was so cold... lol.... we swam a few laps... played in the pool also... it was fun... hahas... swimming reminds me of my childhood days... =)

Then went to bathe and changed....after that we went to Northpoint... dear went to eat first then after that we went to watch horror movie ' One missed call'.... the movie theatre was so empty.. only about 6 pple including us.... so freaky... lol.....

The show was so scary la.... I got heart attack many times... lol..... I screamed alot too.... Wes so bad la....keep scaring me.... during the movie still gave me a missed call.... lol... scare me lor....

After the movie I went to the toilet.... when I was in the toilet I heard the tune of the mobile phone in ' One missed call'.... I was very scared lor!! Dear so bad.... he was whistling the tune outside of the toilet to scare me!! And he even gave me a missed call again..... lol.....

After that I tried to give dear missed calls to scare him but couldn't get through many times.... so freaky... I was calling him but his number was busy though he was not using the phone... it turned out that he pressed the button everytime I called!! lol....

Next time I won't watch horror movies le.... especially at night.... so scary... somemore dear always scare me de... lol....

After the movie, we went home.... sigh tmr still got school... Today was fun... I miss you dear.... Love u... <33

<3<3 you...

2008-01-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

To Wes <3:

Dear... I feel very sad... Im very worried for u... I hope you won't get caught... Though u did nothing wrong today.... sigh ...

I know you are very sad that ur friends got caught... but u can't do anything... they are also in the wrong...

I know u are trying very hard to change le.... but I know sometimes u are in a very difficult position too.... On one hand u don't want to get involved in fights, but on the other hand, you cannot reject your frens when they need your help...

I understand how you feel.... No matter what happens, I'll always be here for u... I'll always stand by you, I'll never leave you.... <3

But I hope one day you can totally come out of all these stuff and stop getting involved in fights.... I have already wasted my days of youth away.... and I know you have also wasted yours all these years....

I think its by God's grace that delayed you from reaching the scene earlier... if not you will be involved in the fight and you will surely get caught....

I really don't want that to happen..... I feel very sad and helpless.... cuz I don't know how to help you.....sigh...

I pray that God's protection will always be with you.... and I'll always love you no matter what.... <3

*****************************************************************

This morning I was very worried for Wes.... cuz he'll be helping his friends in a fight.... but Thank God he reached the scene late and did not fight.... if not I think he'll surely get caught....

Two of his friends got caught by the police.... and Wes was very sad. I felt very sad too... sigh but they did something wrong.... and like what Wes always says, Everything comes with a price....

Dear, I just hope nothing will happen to you.... sigh...

You shared with me about your past.... and I shared with you mine too..... I know all these years of fighting have become a part of your life.... I understand its hard for you to completely get out of it....

But I believe one day you can surely overcome your past.... Everyone has a Past.... Including me.... All these years I've been through so much....

Both of us each have a different Life story to tell, but one thing that is the same is that we have gone through alot of Pain and Tears, while for you, Pain and bloodshed.....

All these years I've wasted my youth away... I lost many things precious in life.... but like what u said, This is the path I've chose to take in Life... my life story... and there will always an ending....

I've never regretted choosing this path... because all the Tears and sufferings only made me a stronger person.... You can never stand up again unless u fall...

All these years you've been through a lot too.... and I don't wish to see you suffer again... This is the path you chose to take.... and there will always be an ending to every story....

Whatever that happens in the Future, we'll go through them together, through Thick and thin... I hope the days ahead will be better and happier...

Take my hand, Together we'll make it one day. Love ya... <3

school starts

2008-01-15T00:48:00.000+08:00

Mon was the first day of school...semester 2 already... so fast.... its going to be my last semester le.... I can't believe it..... sigh God pls bless me.... +

While on my way to school, SUDDENLY I felt so Alone. Past memories just suddenly flashbacked into my mind.... I felt so alone all of a sudden....

Anyway its very common for me to get flashbacks of the past....

My family has not been talking to me for a very long time le... My closest friends are drifting apart from me... I feel so sad.... sigh I miss Cindy so much.... <33

The closest person to me now is Wes.... <3>

Anyway my first day in school was not so exciting.... because on the first day only schoolwork and projects are piling up....

I have a feeling this semester will be a very very very busy one.... + + sigh.

But its good to be back in school.... at least I won't be alone at home.... and I kinda miss school life too.... lol.... next time won have the chance anymore after I graduate... sigh. =(

And its good to have alot of schoolwork... at least can keep myself busy.... so that I won think too much..... *************************************************

Anyway during my Gem module class today I saw a very very skinny girl.... She reminds me of myself 1 year ago.....

One look I can tell she's anorexic.... I felt so sad.... cuz I can feel her pain.....

I saw the Past me in her... she was exactly like me last time, emaciated looking and depressed. I felt so sad... cuz I know what she is going through. I want to help her, but I dunno how to....

Cuz I know very well anorexics live in denial.... they don't want help from others because they think they don't need help....

Having suffered with anorexia for 6 yrs, I've been through every single pain possible and I know every single thing about this illness inside out....

I also don't know how I recovered... I guessed I just snapped out of it.... 6 years of malnutrition is a very long time... my body just couldn't take the starvation any longer....

In My mind I do not want to recover.... but my body needed to... it had to do something in order to survive... and my eating swung from one extreme to the other extreme.....

Anorexia is not worth it. It nearly killed me.....

I have to admit that till now I am still unwilling to let go fully of it... Im still trapped in my past...I am still struggling through each day-- not with anorexia but a different problem now....

But I've come such a long way.... I've been through so much... and I've survived through it all.... I have faith that God will deliver me and heal me completely one day.... +

I really pray hard that one day that girl will recover too. And to anyone who is suffering too, I hope u'll recover one day......

Recovery is not easy. But it is possible... Pls do not lose hope, u will be in my prayers.... + + +

<3<3

2008-01-10T00:46:00.000+08:00

Next week school reopen le...
I can't go out with you that often anymore.... sigh so sad....
I'll miss you..... <3
Ever since you stepped into My life, my world became brighter....
Thank you for your Love and company all these while......
I can't imagine how my life would be without you.
Without you, I'll be all alone in my own world,
Going thru all The Hurts and Pain ALL BY MYSELF.
I'll remember all the precious moments spent with you....
Next week when my school reopens, its time for me to go back to the harsh reality again....
Though we may not be able to see each other as often anymore,
But you will always be in my Heart.... <3>
We may be far in distance, but never in our Hearts,
For our memories span the miles....
I do not know what the Future holds...
But no matter what difficulties that may come our way,
We'll go through them together, Through thick and thin.
I'll never leave you, and I hope you will not either.
Promise me one thing, that u'll never let me go.

I love you.... <3

-For all the times I cried, I just dont think I can live without you.` <3

ALONE =(

2008-01-02T16:10:00.000+08:00

I hate Myself.

I Hate being alone at home.

I Just Hate it.

God, Pls. I need Your help... + + + +

I Miss You... <3

My Hero... =)

2008-01-02T10:57:00.000+08:00

Wow I really I can't believe its a brand new year again.. Yr 2008 already..

Time flies man.... My Past had already become Painful Memories to me....

Throughout the years, I have gone thru so much....

And as the years go by, I realised Life is just Like a dream... Life can either be sweet dreams or nightmares at times...

But through it all, God has carried me through.... when I have fallen, He gave me the strength to pick myself up again....

In different seasons of My Life, God send different pple into my world to help me... Through them, I saw the love of Jesus....

Though it hurts me so much that they are not by my side anymore, but I'll never forget them.....

It hurts me so much too that Pple come and go in our lives.... especially those that mean so much to me.

But I've grew to accept it.... Though its hard to stay strong sometimes, but I have to....

Pple may hurt or you, pple may leave u.... But God WON'T.... and He will never Leave nor forsake me....

Everyone may leave me, but I hope one person will not.... because right now its not just friendship anymore.... its a bond between both of us... Love ya... <3

*******************************************************************

Yesterday(tue) at around 5 plus, I met Wes at AMK hub..he woke up at only 2 plus in the afternoon lor.... sleep till so late.... LoL.... he went to play pool with his frens...

After that, we went to watch movie... Alien vs Predator 2.... quite nice la.... but we sat 1st row cuz no more seats le... lol after the show my neck so pain.... hahas...

During the movie, Wes gave me his cardigan to cover my legs cuz it was freezing cold..... he said he was not cold and he's wearing singlet somemore.....

Actually he was cold one lor.... but he very MAN.... he gave me his cardigan so I won't feel cold.... <3

After the movie, my dad came to fetch me... and while we were walking to the mrt, suddenly a guy ran past. And another guy was running behind shouting out for pple to catch him....

Wes suddenly let go of my hand, asked me to wait there for him, and ran after the guy.... I got a shock lor.... LOL....

When I ran out of the shopping centre, I saw Wes sitting on top of the guy... and the guy's mouth got blood.....

The guy was a cheater.... apparently he stole someone's IC to sign a handphone line or something....

My hero, you are so brave.... <3

But Wes punched the guy 2 times..... no wonder got blood.... after that when the police took his statement I went off first.....

It seems that eveytime I go out with Wes, something exciting will happen... LoL.... but pls don fight ok.... unless there is no other choice....

You look so MAN and Heroic just now..... Love ya.... <3<3<3

Happy New Year!! <3

2008-01-01T09:18:00.000+08:00

In a blinking of an eye, Year 2007 has passed.Yr 2007 is already the Past.

It seems only yesterday when I countdown to year 2007.

All the memories in Yr 2007, it will always be in my heart.

All that I've gone through, all the Pain and Hurts.

All the ups and downs, my Tears and Fears,

Through Sadness and Joy,

God has brought me through.....

I want to thank the few special pple in my heart...

They have really helped me stay strong during the darkest points of my life.

**************************************

Cindy, I'll never forget u. I miss u so much... I'll never be where I am today if not because of you... <3

Beeleng, Thanks for ur love, counsel and forgiveness all these while. Sometimes u may get angry with me, but I know u mean well. Love you lots... <3

Sigh I already feel like crying when I think of the past memories....

Change is part of life, and Goodbyes will always hurt.

You have left footprints in my heart... Though u are not My Cgl anymore, U will always be a special friend to me...

Yr 2007 has been a yr of much changes and heartbreak for me.

It takes much courage to change,

and alot of Willpower to be an overcomer.

All my Tears and Fears, all my Pain and shame, God sees it in the secret place.....

Yr 2007 was not the best year for me, and I hope year 2008 will be a better one.

***************************************************

Yr 2008, A New year, A new beginning, A new start.

A New Life, A new Love.

31ST DEC 2007-- Im Yours, and You're mine.

I hope in Yr 2008 and the years ahead we will be able to spend more happy times together, through Thick and Thin, through sorrow and Joy.

Wes, No matter what, I'll always be here for you.

We are two different persons, but one mind and soul.

I hope there will never come a day when we have to say Goodbye.

************************************************************

In the yr 2008, May God take me to Greater Heights, and bring me from glory to Glory..... <3

God, I trust My Life and Future unto You... +

sorry God.. +

2007-12-27T18:43:00.000+08:00

I had never Loved someone so much before.
You mean so much to Me...
If you would ever leave Me,
I would cry a million Tears over you.
I wish u'll never hurt Me,

cuz the Pain of Love lasts a lifetime.

But the pleasure of love lasts only a moment.

The most Painful Love, is the Love left unshown.

A love not expressed, and affection left unknown.

Without you around my world seems darker.

I miss you...<3<3

-Promise me u'll never Let Me go.

I love you <33

****************************

Im sorry, God if I did anything wrong.

Im very very sorry. +

Merry Christmas!!!! <3

2007-12-26T00:34:00.000+08:00

On Christmas eve(mon), Wes brought me to orchard countdown to Christmas.... This is the 1ST time I spent Christmas eve at orchard!!

It was a very memorable day for me.... and an exciting one too.... LoLS....

I went with Wes and his whole sembawang gang.... Wa alot of pple lorz.... over 30 plus pple... some quite young already join gang.... LoLs....

Wes told me this yr alr very little pple le.... last yr he went with 100 plus pple from his gang!! WaHH....

Wes told me to be prepared cuz there will be alot of fights.... but he promised me he won't fight....

It was super crowded lorz... so damn squeezy lol... All the guys stand behind the girls so that they can protect them....

Wes also stood behind me... he say if pple touch me must tell him... LoLs....

Because it was so crowded that we couldn't move, we climbed over the barricade and took a shortcut to Wisma...

There were alot of policeman... But apparently they also couldn't control the crowd....

After that we went to walk along orchard... there were alot of rowdy crowds... and one of them is our grp... LoLs...

Wes's frens bought alot of spray cans... and They kept spraying at the passerbys.... LoLs....

But I nvr spray them... I just stand at the side... They keep aiming the bangladesh pple lorz.... Worse still for nothing went to beat them up....

I was so scared la... LoLs....

But luckily No one was seriously injured.... one of Wes's frens got caught by police.....

Wes's frens got into a few fights lor... I think if Im not around Wes will also Fight le.... cuz he kept holding me thats why he never join in the Fight......

After that even the police came..... so we faster went away..... after that we stood outside orchard plaza. It was already after 12 midnight... Merry Christmas <3....

Then Wes's frens use the spray can to spray him... Then he went to spray them back.... LoLs...

His whole body and hair also got foam.... so poor thing. Hahas... I faster hide in a corner.... cuz I scared they spray me....

Hahas the whole orchard was like Havoc.... LoLs.... It was my 1ST time seeing such a scene..... Quite scary when they fight but Exciting too..... lol...

After that Wes send me back home in a cab.... reached home ard 2 plus am... close to 3 am le...

So tired... LoLs... Tmr still going church svc... zzZzzz.... This yr was a very different Christmas for me.... Hahas...

************************************

Woke up ard 9 plus and faster got ready to go church.... Today is *Christmas*!! <3

After svc, we went orchard... but before that waited with Robin for Eliz to come to the mrt station..... waited very long....

After that we went to meet Wes and his old church friends at orchard... They went to eat at Food Republic.....

Then at foodcourt something happened... Wes almost got into a Fight again... all because of a staring incident....

But actually its the stupid fat guy's fault.... cuz he was very rude and shouted at the drink seller auntie who was pushing the drinks trolley to go over to his table.... then Wes was angry and stared at him....

After a while, when the stupid fat guy was leaving, he still kept staring at Wes... and Wes also stared back....

Then the fat guy used his finger to motion Wes over as if challenging him to a fight... and he even took out his NS man police card....

Wes was very angry... he immediately stood up, took up the western food knife.... I got a shock.... after that luckily he put that down and took his handphone instead....

Then Vincent quickly pulled Wes back.... and Me and robin went to apologize to the stupid fat guy.....

But actually it was the Stupid fat guy's fault lor.... he was abusing his authority... think he very big like that....

I think if it was me I will also get angry.... stupid fat guy.... he's obviously no match for Wes la.....

Wes told me if it was last time he would have already beaten up the guy... he say when he fight it will be very bloody.... so scary.....

My Hero, U look very MAN when u wanted to Fight just Now.... BUT PLS DON'T FIGHT ok.... Cool down.... <3

After that we went to walk around while waiting for Wes's frens to eat finish... then we went back at around 9 plus..... But I didn't want to go home so early....

My parents also don't care about me.... They said it themselves even if I don't go home they also won't care..... Sigh Nvm....Whatever....Im used to it anyway......

I went with Wes to a playground near my house. When I was a kid, I always play there de. Hahas.....

I was trying to climb the rope then Wes was so worried that I will fall he keep holding me....

At night it was very cold... But with his arms around me I felt very warm.... lol....

After that at 10 plus Wes walked me back home.... then he went home also... Miss ya.... <33

Come Back from KL!!

2007-12-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

Just came bk from KL... was quite Fun la.. but boring also. LoLx... went shopping at Sungei Wang and Times Square only...

LoLx... was Fun cuz can go shopping and buy alot of clothes, but boring we go KL many times before le!!

Hahas... Me and my sis also went to sing karaoke... our favourite!! =) LoLx... its called 'Q Box' there in KL....

But I like the magazine store opposite the hotel we stayed in... very good lorz... can use the internet there for RM3 per hour... quite cheap.

And can also sit down and read magazines there... and the Indian store owners don't even care... so good lorz...

I miss that place... cuz can read a lot of fashion and celebrities magazines for free... Hahas.... =)

But I also v sad cuz I missed the last day of Breakaway Camp and my CG Christmas Party... I heard from Wes that Priest House got 2nd!! =) Yay!!

Actually can get 1st one lor... cuz we forgot to use our booster cards for the games! Sigh wasted....

Lolx... I also heard that on the last day of camp, the session was very anointed... Sighz I couldn't attend... =(

Anyway, Priest house TOTALLY rocks!! =)

The Breakaway camp was very fun... especially the games and campfire... But the best are the sessions... The 1st session was already super anointed.

The presence of God was so strong, and I felt so Touched till tears kept flowing...

Sadly, but honestly, I had never felt this way in a long long time....

There was a period of time when I couldn't feel the presence of God anymore... and I felt very sad and discouraged... I really thought God had left me...

But the Encounters with God during Breakaway camp reassured me that God had never left me during all my times of trials.... God was always with Me...

I think during that period of time when I was spiritually dry, it was cuz I was being put to the Test......

And during the Breakaway camp it was the 1ST time that I responded to an altar call, and it was also the 1ST time that I fell under the Power of God....

LoLx shocking rite.... in church for 2 yrs le but 1st time experience these things... LoLx...

Breakaway camp was a memorable experience for me.... Tho my miracle has not come Yet.... BuT I BELIEVE my Breakthrough is on the way...

I hope One day I can totally be set Free... and one day I can Truely BREAKAWAY from darkness into LighT.... +

The campfire was also very fun cuz all the houses had to put up a skit. And I think Priest house is the Best lorz!! =)

But during campfire, something happened to Wes... Sighz make me so scared and worried... Thank God he was ok after that. Sighz don make me heart attack again horz... LoLx....

I also heard that N402 Christmas party was very fun.... alot of new frens... Sighz so sad I couldn't go... =(

And after Breakaway camp I must decide which cg I decide to go to le.... Sighz another headache problem.... =(

Most probably I'll stay in N402.... Sighz.. Cindy I miss you..... *Tears*Haiz.... sobsob.....

I also will miss Beeleng after handover!! Haiz.... *Tears*~ =(

Words will never ever be able to express my Feelings.... Sighz.... I'll miss you both....

You both have impacted my life much... Haiz.... Im Going to be Emo soon..... =(

***********************************

Haiz.... its only 5 more days to Christmas!!! Time flies... soon it will be year 2008.... oh man so fast... =(

Looking back, I have gone thru so much so much.... Yr 2007 was a difficult Yr for me....

A yr where I have to go thru many changes... Be it Physically, Emotionally or Mentally....

It has been a year of much Tears, Pain and Hurts for me... a Yr where I had to struggle emotionally and mentally with changes in my body, with relationship problems, with family problems etc etc....

Maybe Sometimes u need to fall in order to stand up again, and get Hurt in order to grow.

If u look at my past photos, u will realise from yr 2001 to 2006 pics of me are all v v skinny....

But... but... now.... sighz.... I don want to think of it le.... Sighz I feel so guilty and lousy.... I know I shouldn't think this way.... But... Haiz....

No One knows how much Pain, Tears and Fears I have to go thru during this yr... Everyone say I look different, everyone say I've changed....

Deep in my heart I hate myself for losing my willpower.... I feel like running away from the world..... Haiz.....

Sometimes when I see my ex CG members or pple who knew me since last time, I will quickly try to avoid meeting them etc.... cuz Im afraid to hear their comments...

Im really sorry.... if I saw you but I did not say Hi to you... Sorry if I gave u the impression that Im 'dao' or something.... Im really not.... Sighz.

I know Escapism is not the solution to my problems.... Thats why Im still trying hard to cope with changes in my surroundings, My body and to accept myself....

Thats why maybe during BREAKAWAY camp, Pst Zhuang's sermon really spoke to me. It was totally abt me.

The word was about breaking away from Past bad habits, from bitterness, from Fear of failure and from guilt.

I could relate very well to it.... probably Thats one of the reasons I responded to the altar call. I really respect Pst Zhuang alot alot...

Pst Zhuang used to give me bible study classes, came to my house before, helped and counselled me.... I miss his BS classes lorz....

This is kinda random LoLx..... Just some of my feelings and thoughts....

I hope Yr 2008 will be a better year for me.... In the kingdom of GoD everything Grows from glory to Glory...... +

I Truly hope to BreakAway From my Past to the Future, from the old into the New, from Oppression into Freedom..... +

Most Importantly, BreakAway From Depression and Darkness into GOD'S LIGHT.... + <3<3

Holidays =)

2007-12-10T09:25:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to me.... Hahas... Today is not my actual birthday but its my spiritual bday =D.

One Year ago, on 10 DEC 2006, I was water baptised... I was born again into a New creation! =)

And also, Happy birthday to Hui mien!!! =) Love ya! Have a blessed and fun-filled birthday! =)

Sighz Time flies.... next few days or even the next week I may not have the time to blog cuz there are many activities coming up! =)

***********************************

13-15 dec (Thur- Fri)-- BREAKAWAY YOUTH CAMP!! =)

Im excited for the Breakaway Youth camp... and I really hope this camp will be a Life-changing one for me.

I also hope thru this camp, I will receive a Fresh Touch from Heaven once more... and I will be spiritually renewed.

Im praying for a Breakthrough in My life... And also, CG growth and salvation of many lost souls..... +

15-18 dec (Sat- Tue)-- Going KL with my sister and parents

Sighz... that means I'll have to miss the last day of camp and also sun svc... Actually my parents didn't want to bring me to KL one... but now last minute they ask me to go.... LoL....

They are worried that I will get into trouble... and also they don wan't to leave me alone at home.... They say I will run away from home.... Hahas.... so Funny.... LoL....

19 dec (wed)-- CG CHRISTMAS PARTY! =)

I hope I can make it for the christmas party... duno if my parents will extend the KL trip anot.... So xian lor.... everytime also go malaysia only....

LoL.... if go to Faraway countries like Japan or Australia or Disneyland then good la! Haha... =D

**********************************

Soon it will be a brand new start of Year 2008, and my last semester in school.

Sighz Time flies... How I wish I can stay in Dreamland....

A place where we will not grow old,
where there are no need for meals,
where I will always be happy,
where all My Dreams will come True....

A place where they is no Pain and sorrow, no Hurts and sufferings.

A place where True love exists, a place where there is such a thing as " Happily ever after"...

Ok I know I am dreaming.... LoL... I think if there's such a place, it must be Heaven... +

And one day I will go there too... But for now its Reality and there is NO escape.

I only hope that I can live the remaining of my life with no more Pain and Regrets, cuz I had enough of it.....

Sometimes I will worry abt my future.... My Past was a Dark one, My Present is still a struggle... What about My Future?

Will I have a good career?
Will I ever get better?
Will I ever see the Light at the end of the Tunnel?
Will I still be struggling with my problems?
Will my sufferings end?

Will I ever have the chance to experience True Love and Friendship?

Will I still be alone in my own world where no one can understand what I am going through?

When will My Miracle come?

I honestly can't tell the Future... But one thing I know for sure that God will always be with Me.

For He will never leave nor forsake Me... pple will, but God won't.

One thing I Just have to do, that is to TRUST God that He will make a way out for Me.

That all My Pain, all My Tears, all My Fears, all My Hopes and Dreams, HE sees it all.

One day My Miracle will come, and My Future is in Good Hands. +

My Past

2007-12-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

I Feel so Hurt. So sad. Totally disappointed with Myself.

My bro said something nasty that Hurt me so much. But its ok, Im already used to it.

But I won let pple Hurt me again. I won't.

Sometimes I really wished I have amnesia. So that I can forget about My sad memories, My Painful past.

So That I can walk bravely ahead, never Looking back.

So that I can start Life afresh.

But again, I don wish to forget totally about My past.

My Past is the Journey I have gone through all these years. It made me who I am Today.

Through all the struggles and Pain, it have made me a stronger person.

Without a Past, There will be no Future.

One's Past shapes who you are Today. And My Past was not a chain of happy memories.

Im sorry, thats why Im not Perfect.

The only thing is that Im still holding on Tightly to My Past.

Im Trapped in it... I wish I can go back to My Past.

The Present is different from The Past. And often Pple will make comparisons between them.

And Those things that they say or comment on really Hurts Me.

I really hate myself now.

No one will ever understand the Guilt, Hurts and shame that were accompanied along with the change.

You are Not me. You won't be able to feel My Pain.

So Pls don't Judge Me.

************************************

Today, I watched a movie " The Golden compass" with Wes. It was an awesome show. =)

It is abt a young girl who is so brave even in the face of danger. I really admire her child-like faith and courage...

Yesterday also watched movie with Wes.. watched a horror show "30 days at Night".

It was soooOo scary. Hope I don't get nightmares... hahas.

Actually this part is for Wesley. Although I have only know u for a mth, but somehow I feel u are a blessing in My life.

******************************************

From my Past experiences, I think I shd be wise enough to differentiate a good man from a bad one.

Because thinking back, I regretted not listening to the advice of my leader.

I think I was really very stupid to fall in love with a wrong person.

Which in the end, brought me nothing but only Hurt and regret.

What he wanted was My body, Not Me.

I loved him so much, that I gave in so much to him.....

To the extent that I can even Hurt Myself Just to sastify him.

How stupid I was....

I don't miss you anymore. Neither do I love u anymore.

I have proven to you that even without you I can still be strong.

*******************************************

I dunno wat the Future holds, and I know its too early to talk abt the Future.

But Wes, thanks for being such a good friend to me all these while.

Love is not one Big thing, But its about a million little things.

You are always so giving, and willing to spend ur money on Me.

Even My parents are not like that. LoLx.

Everytime you will buy gifts for Me, treat me to the movies and so on.

I know money can't buy Love and Friendship...

Money is unable to buy the things that are unseen.

BuT, as Pastor always says, " You can Give without Loving, But you can't Love without Giving."

Many things have broke my Heart.

My own personal problems, Relationships, Friends, Family etc etc.

I must admit I don't have much close friends I can talk to.

This is why I Treasure Friendship and relationships alot.

My only fren in school quarrelled with Me and now she's not talking to me anymore.

I really don't know why. I always help her, be there for her when she has problems... BuT..... Sighz. Forget it.

The friend I Treasure most is Cindy... and This will never change...

She was the one who helped me alot Thru my Darkest Times.

Even though Im very sad that Things have changed now....

But what can I do? Life still has to go on.....

I Just have to accept the fact that Things change, and People change too.

I Just have to accept the fact that people come and go in My life.

But only some people will leave Footprints in your Heart.

But I still love and Treasure Cindy alot....

U will always be the best leader and fren in My heart. I'll never forget u.....

I also want to thank Wes, for always being so Giving to Me.

You have been a companion to me all these while and I really Treasure our Friendship.

I don't know what the Future holds, because Things change, and people change too.

Change may lead to Heartbreak and Hurts, but its all part of Life.

But I believe every friend we have is a God-sent.... and I want to thank God for you. +

Exams over!! =)

2007-12-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

Finally, Exams are over! =) Phew... can relax for one mth before semester 2 starts again.

Sighz next sem can't slack le... its gonna be my last sem in NUS before I graduate.. Sighz Time flies...

It seems like only yesterday I was in year 1.. and getting lost in school finding lecture halls, and learning how to bid for my modules etc etc...

Sighz I seriously will miss school life.

Im quite worried abt wat am I gonna do after I graduate... its gonna be another phase of life for me. Sighz... I really need God to guide me... + + +

I Didn't really blog much in the past week... cuz of exams... Hmm on sun 2nd dec was our 1st svc at Jurong west!! =)

Its great to be bk at Jurong west again.. Oh man Time flies... Just remember our last day at JW church 2 yrs ago.... now we're bk here again...

Pst kong preached on confidence... That Faith=confidence... The Anointing of God flows through confidence.

Without confidence, the Power of God can't flow through us...

When I heard this, my Heart sank. Now I know the reason for my spiritual attacks and why sometimes I Just can't feel the presence of God at all.

That's cuz I have a very low self-esteem. Its probably due to My Past that cause me to have low confidence in Myself.

Someone told me this before. That he don't understand why I have such a poor self esteem abt myself.

That I have the looks, I have the brains. But why is it that I feel inferior abt myself..?

Actually I don't know why.... I Just feel no matter wat I do, Im not good enough.

Not smart enough, Not good enough, Not Pretty enough, Not Thin enough.

I am concerned abt wat pple say about me, wat they think of Me. But little did I realise that only God is the one I should please.

Indeed the Truth Hurts... but the Truth will also set Me Free.

Without confidence in Myself, my Potential is robbed, my Destiny is robbed.

The Thief has come to steal, kill, and to destroy. But I WILL NOT let him steal My Happiness, kill my Dreams, and destroy My Destiny.

Its not easy for me to regain my self esteem again. Its also not easy to forget about my Past that I am still holding on So Tightly to.

Even if one pick themselves up when they have fallen, there will still be scars and wounds on the body, one may still walk with a limp...

But I BELIEVE, No weapon formed against Me shall prosper.

God has a Great Destiny for My Life... One day, I will be able to stand up Strong again. + + +